As usual, countless responses and feedbacks have rolled in from various angles regarding the last topic we treated in this column. As an unbiased and realistic sex therapist and sexual health consultant, it would be partial if I do not set a scale of balance by itemising six reasons married women find sexual solace in the arms of other men.
These articles and my practical counselling sessions in my office are not meant to castigate any spouse, but to provide an educative medium and serve as an ‘eye-opener’ to things affecting marriages ‘home and abroad.’ Besides, through it, I have been able to restore incalculable broken homes and bring back ‘alive’ relationships that have been written off as hopeless, for over two decades.
Let me quickly share the tale of two married women who gave permission to alert our husbands about the reasons married women fall into the next available arms.
Case one: Mrs. Loveth is married to a Nigeria-based contractor; they have been married for 15 years with two children, but her husband spends more time in the office than the home. Some of her friends, who saw the level of negligence, had advised her to try out other men in order to get sexual satisfaction. She went ahead and got a younger man and provided his needs – food, clothing and shelter. The young man, on the other hand, gave her unimaginable sexual treats and serviced her 24/7. According to her, she still cherishes and treasures those memories until date.
“Why do you have to go to such a demeaning extent?” I asked. “I was dying for a man’s touch, for a man’s voice, whispers, whispering sexy things to me to keep me alive. I was dying to experience those things you write in your column. I once pleaded with my husband and his only response was, ‘You are jobless; that is why you only think of sex.’ Do you know that I could decide to be a lesbian without the knowledge of my husband? However, I wanted sex with real men, and since he denied me, I went out.”
Case 2: A highly-cultured university lecturer was in my office at about the closing hour. She felt really embarrassed in respect of the circumstance for which she was seeking sexual consultation. Her story? Her husband has been away in the US for the past five years, and she has fought loneliness with all sorts of sex toys to the extent that she cannot feel any sensation on her clitoris again due to numbness. She even enrolled for a degree course just to beat loneliness, all to no avail. She yearned for a man’s touch, for erotic escapades. Against her wish, she succumbed to the advances of another man who does not only satisfy her all the sexual craving she had, but also awaken the tigress in her. Now her husband is not only back, but he is not as sexually vibrant, bubbling, energetic and lively as her sex partner, her purpose of visit to my office is to know how to handle the situation.
So, why does a married woman seek sexual pleasure in the arms of another man? When a married woman is sexually neglected, she falls into the arms of the next available sympathiser.
Husbands should be aware of the fact that both men and women have identical sexual needs, desires, attractions, tastes and fantasies. It is a mirage to assume that the wife is only at the receptive end, must submissively obey, and carry out the sexual demands of her husband, ignoring the fact that she also needs to exhibit her sexual expression. God made both man and woman sexual beings with similar sexual chemistry called sexual hormones. The sexual instinct of a man is God made, but ‘He’ wants the preservation of sex to be within the walls of a marriage. However, when endless business trips, long distance marriage relationships, prolonged office hours, marathon fasting and prayer sessions is the order of the day in your marriage, please begin to adjust fast, there is a need for balancing.
Sex and Money 101: From my personal experience and interactions with many couples, I have discovered that sex and money are the two most important ingredients in a marriage. When the two are present, a marriage enjoys unqualified bliss, but when any of the two is missing, just one outcome is possible: unending crises. However, how will you feel if I tell you that I have come up with a twin package that can take your marriage to the next level? To be part of the 47 couples that would be part of this package, simply text this information in the format below: SM101 * Email * Name * Location to 07055333000. Example: SM101firstname.lastname@example.org*John Dale*Lagos to 07055333000. The space is limited, first come first serve. Once I receive the information from you, you will immediately receive a free document containing tips that can change your marriage forever – positively.
Reason two: A woman’s heart is her first bedroom for sex: ‘space is provided’ for anyone who gives attention to her heart. Ladies in general have an insatiable appetite for attention, approval, affirmations, and devotion.
The never-ending search for attention and affection makes a married woman find sexual adventure in the arms of other men. Nothing wears down the immune system of the sex bed like a husband being too busy to spend time alone with his wife. Love and sex, to a wife, ‘is spelt,’ A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N and A-F-F-E-C-T-I-O-N. No matter what you do for her, she still requires your time. To deny her attention is to jeopardise your sex bed and create room for another man to step into the bedroom.
Marital love to a married woman is more than a game, it is ‘life.’ A woman would give everything she has to have a marriage that works and a home that is the envy of everyone. A woman is ready to invest all her life to possess her dream home.
No matter how much a husband cares, if he does not communicate in action, the wife still feels unloved. There is a desire within every wife to share her greatest dreams, deepest desires, and innermost thoughts and heartfelt needs with the man she marries.
When a wife says to her husband, “Please talk to me now,” she is pleading for both heartfelt and sexual intimacy. Unfortunately, it is an effort many husbands don’t make. A recent survey showed that 86 per cent of women that seek sexual pleasure outside their marriage did so because the other man gave them attention and affection. To have a healthy sex bed, a husband must make time to give a few minutes’ attention to his wife. Talk, listen and respond in love to her; try as much as possible to be as good, as caring, as supportive and as understanding as possible. Continue the courtesy of courtship in marriage. Do things that will secure her faithfulness at all times.
Let your main objective be to continually study her, learn to know her, growing with her and protect her. Sometimes you both need to sit together and make reappraisals to see how you are doing in the relationship. Genuinely ask her about the things that both of you need to do in order to have a trustworthy sex-bed.
Obviously, during the time of courtship, men, like hunters, hunt relentlessly for their prey and after marriage, they take the same prey for granted. You should not take your woman for granted because the monotony may send her into some ones else’s arms. Keep love and affection growing by expressing love for your wife or it will die and both of you will not only drift apart, the next available confidant would have the best of sex with her. Spend as much time as possible to do things together with her, learn to greet her with enthusiasm. Such acts of courtesy were some of the reasons she chose to spend the rest of her life with you in the first place.
She imagined that if during courtship you could be this nice, understanding, caring, loving, friendly, encouraging and tender, then spending the rest of her life with you would be the best decision she would ever make. Treat your wife, as you would love to be treated. Please don’t overlook little courtesies, especially the encouraging gestures and affection. Brag about her when she is within earshot. Most times, she may pretend not to be listening, but deep inside, she is happy and smiling. If you treat your wife with extra courtesies, she will blossom and service you sexually until you protest. People tend to appreciate when they are the subjects of a worthwhile emotional investment.
Some couples are finding it difficult contacting me for personal consultation. Here is my contact, 331 Road, House 8, Gowon Estate, Egbeda, Akowonjo; 08029593116, 08188022803. Have the best of sex this weekend.