Things To Know Before Marrying An Igbo Lady

// Romance | Things To Know Before Marrying An Igbo Lady
Email to a friend Plain text Print version // Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font

Now, take note of the following, dear friend:

1. Forget Authority: If you were marrying a Yoruba woman, she would have come to your house with her mother’s voice ringing in her ears that a husband’s house is a place where life’s lessons are learnt. It’s a different story for the Igbo woman. She comes from a long line of ‘unruly’ people who traditionally have no concept of a central authority figure.  Prepare to be stared down eyeball to eyeball in an argument. Prepare to be laughed at when you attempt to assert yourself as the ‘man of the house.’ When she’s done laughing, she’ll measure you, up and down with her left, and sneer: ‘Hian! See this one o; who do you think you’re talking to?’ She’ll clap and shake her head, then she’ll add something in Igbo and then saunter away, wriggling her backside.  It isn’t for nothing that the legendary Aba Womens’ Riot happened in…ABA.

2. Prepare to be Called Names: No, I am not referring to endearing (more like puke-inducing, actually) names like Baby, Darling, or Nkem. I’m talking about names that qualify your lineage and ethnicity in terms that are not exactly complimentary. If you are Yoruba, you and your people will be Ndi ofe mmanu (something about too much oil in your soup and fried things in your life); If you are a Northerner, you and your people will be Ndi beribe (something about possessing a mumu gene). Find solace in the fact that if you are truly Yoruba, you ‘know’ that Igbo people use kick to wake their mothers up from the mat in the morning.

3. Say Goodbye to your Waistline: Your waistline will increase in proportion to the years you spend with an Igbo woman who knows the well-beaten path to her mother’s kitchen. Gone are your days of adding stew to ewedu and okro, or eating egusi soup that was blended with tomatoes. Tufiakwa! The introduction of Ofe Akwu, Nsala, Oha, Onugbu, Ofe Owerri and Oporoko will ensure that when you sit, you fill up the chair. That’s what is called a man, a DIMGBA! Not one that looks like something some hungry wind blew in.  When the husband of an Igbo woman stands, people must see that a man is standing. Size matters. Don’t be deceived by the looks of people like Ebuka Obi-Uchendu and that six-pack nonsense; he’s not a proper Igbo man. Look more at people like his elder brother Ugo or imagine Noble Igwe a few years after marriage; now, those are real Igbo men!  Size matters to an Igbo woman.

4. Be Aware of the Oriaku Syndrome: You have not heard of the Oriaku Syndrome? Don’t worry, I will tell you. You see, when you marry an Igbo woman, you work for her. Your glory comes from seeing her shine. When she steps out, people must SEE your money on her body. If your wife looks like the dried fish she uses in cooking your soup, you are not a man! If she’s dressed like something that was sent to Lagos along with discarded wares, you have failed in your duties! The Oriaku Syndrome posits that your wife is the chopper of your money, simple. Don’t take this to mean that you are her provider and therefore she isn’t independent. When the Igbo man was planting yam, the Igbo woman was planting and harvesting cocoyam, and as every Igbo household can testify, the cocoyam is more useful than yam. Yam is only the king crop because the Igbo society, like others, is phallocentric. Don’t get it twisted.


5. Beware of the Illuminati: Do not marry any Igbo woman that is the first daughter of her father. All first daughters in Igboland are members of the real Illuminati. They sometimes call it by another name: Umuada. They are the most powerful group in Igboland and can do and undo. No one uses small spoon to measure their food. If you marry one and misbehave and she reports you, you are doomed. Even when you don’t marry one, you are still doomed if your wife ever reports you to them. They may decide that all the first daughters from her village will come and live in your house for a month. You may wish to consider suicide if that ever happens to you. It is the Igbo woman who has forgotten the path to her father’s house that suffers in a man’s house when she has the Umuada waiting.

6. The Catholic Church Intervention: When an Igbo woman is tired of you and your nonsense, she’ll simply pack her bag and return to her father’s house. If you do not run after her and collect your bride price back from her father, whatever child she bears anywhere she goes will bear your name. Yes, I’m serious. This is why there are no bastards in Igboland. But thank God for the Catholic Church, this doesn’t happen often. The average Igbo woman is Catholic and the Catholic Church has issues with divorce. Be smart: if you’re going to marry an Igbo woman, marry one who is a Catholic; it reduces her chances of leaving you by about 50%.

You may wish to ask why none of the above is often the case when an Igbo woman marries an Igbo man… well, I don’t know. Perhaps the Igbo man knows how to be ‘oga’ over the Igbo woman and has refused to share the secret with aliens.

Anyways, is your couch free for the night? Surely there’s no way I’m going home to that woman tonight after all this…

Tagged : marriage, Marrying An Igbo Lady

Headlines Newsview all

WOW!! UAE Appoints 22-Year- Old Girl As Minister For Youth

The United Arab Emirates has appointed a 22-year-old to a ministerial post overseeing youth affairs in a Cabinet shake-up designed to inject fresh thinking into ... Full story

Buhari's Aide Accused Of Wasting N48bn In 5 Months - Senators

Ahead of the Senate Committee on Niger Delta’s consideration of the 2015 Status Report of the Presidential Amnesty Programme at the Senate today, Nigerian senators ... Full story

JUST IN: Man Rapes 12-Year-Old Girl Inside Bush, What Happens Next Will Shock You

This happened moments ago in Uli, Ihiala LGA, Anambra State. According to the eye witness who just sent this story in, the boy named Abraham ... Full story

Sule Lamido Mocks Buhari's War on Corruption

Sule Lamido has mocked Buhari's change mantra which he described as movement of recycled politicians from the opposition party.    Former governor of Jigawa State, Alhaji ... Full story

FG Demands CCT To Give Date For Saraki's Trial

The Federal Government has demanded a date to be fixed for the trial of the Senate President, Bukola Saraki after the Supreme Court refused his ... Full story

Two Female Bombers Killed 30 In Borno IDPs Camp

Thirty persons were killed when two female suicide bombers attacked an Internally Displaced Persons Camp in Borno State on Tuesday, the Chairman of Borno State ... Full story

17 ABUAD Students Accused Of Attempted Bank Robbery

Police on Wednesday accused 17 students of Afe Babalola University, Ado Ekiti, of an attempt to rob a branch of Wema Bank in the institution. At ... Full story

EFCC Seizes N5bn Houses Of Ex-NAF Chief, Amosu, Others

The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission has taken over houses worth over N5bn belonging to former Chief of Air Staff and others indicted in the ... Full story

Shocking! Retired Radiologist Burns To Death In Lagos

Residents of a Lagos community have been left shocked and distraught by the death of a retired radiologist in an early morning fire.  Dr. Irene Damola, ... Full story

YabaTech Students Shut Down Campus Over Tragic Death of Final Year Student

Students of a popular Tertiary Institution in Lagos, yesterday, were engaged in a massive protest over the death of a final year female student which ... Full story

SHOCKING!! See What Happened To Church Members During Service

It was yet another drama in a church in Lagos as police rounded members up during service and arrested them while others took to their ... Full story

Comment on: Things To Know Before Marrying An Igbo Lady

Rate this article

0

Breaking News

See The Gift Shina Peller Got for Olamide’s Son as He Turned a Year Older

YBNL Boss, Olamide, was absent some weeks back because he needed to go make some money in Ogun state when he was invited to perform ...

Late Actor, Sikiru Adeshina ‘Arakangudu’ Burial Photos

Finally, the remains of veteran actor, Sikiru Adeshina aka Arakangudu who died of heart attack on, February 9, 2016, has been laid to rest in ...

Nollywood Actress, Judith Audu sustains major injuries (Pictures)

Nollywood actress, Judith Audu, posted this photo on her page. She got injured while shooting a scene in a movie set. .Movies are entertainment, they ...

Another Side Of Actress Chinyere Wilfred Fans Need To See (Photos)

Chinyere Wilfred is veteran Nollywood diva who has been on and off the movie scene. She is well known for her wicked roles in movies ...

RMD Chasing Young Boys Away from the Market

Nollywood actor, Richard Mofe Damijo, has continued to use his handsome looks to intimidate the young chaps as ladies continue to fall in love with ...

The Bread Seller Was Just At The Right Place at The Right Time…Tinie Tempah Speaks

Tinie Tempah has broken his silence on Olajumoke Orisaguna, the popular bread seller who has been making headline recently after she innocently photobombed a photoshoot ...

Ibinabo Fiberesima - Not Everyone Will Understand Your Journey

On Monday, January 5, popular Nollywood actress and former president of the Actors’ Guild of Nigeria (AGN), Ibinabo Fiberesima was charged to court by former ... Full story

Rukky Sanda Delight Fans with Yoruba Attire (Photos)

Many know Nollywood Actress, Rukky Sanda, for her revealing and skimpy outfits which have been given thumbs down by critiques but she could be planning ...

See What Scares Mr Ibu Anytime He sees Them

Naturally looking at comic Nollywood actor, John Okafor better known as Mr Ibu, one will think that with his personality and the way he talks ...

Herbalist Who Uses Women Underwear for Ritual Caught in Anambra

Some women in Okpoko in Ogbaru Local Government Area of Anambra State, were thrown into shock recently when they discovered that their underwear were being ...