Things To Know Before Marrying An Igbo Lady

// Romance | Things To Know Before Marrying An Igbo Lady
Email to a friend Plain text Print version // Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font

Now, take note of the following, dear friend:

1. Forget Authority: If you were marrying a Yoruba woman, she would have come to your house with her mother’s voice ringing in her ears that a husband’s house is a place where life’s lessons are learnt. It’s a different story for the Igbo woman. She comes from a long line of ‘unruly’ people who traditionally have no concept of a central authority figure.  Prepare to be stared down eyeball to eyeball in an argument. Prepare to be laughed at when you attempt to assert yourself as the ‘man of the house.’ When she’s done laughing, she’ll measure you, up and down with her left, and sneer: ‘Hian! See this one o; who do you think you’re talking to?’ She’ll clap and shake her head, then she’ll add something in Igbo and then saunter away, wriggling her backside.  It isn’t for nothing that the legendary Aba Womens’ Riot happened in…ABA.

2. Prepare to be Called Names: No, I am not referring to endearing (more like puke-inducing, actually) names like Baby, Darling, or Nkem. I’m talking about names that qualify your lineage and ethnicity in terms that are not exactly complimentary. If you are Yoruba, you and your people will be Ndi ofe mmanu (something about too much oil in your soup and fried things in your life); If you are a Northerner, you and your people will be Ndi beribe (something about possessing a mumu gene). Find solace in the fact that if you are truly Yoruba, you ‘know’ that Igbo people use kick to wake their mothers up from the mat in the morning.

3. Say Goodbye to your Waistline: Your waistline will increase in proportion to the years you spend with an Igbo woman who knows the well-beaten path to her mother’s kitchen. Gone are your days of adding stew to ewedu and okro, or eating egusi soup that was blended with tomatoes. Tufiakwa! The introduction of Ofe Akwu, Nsala, Oha, Onugbu, Ofe Owerri and Oporoko will ensure that when you sit, you fill up the chair. That’s what is called a man, a DIMGBA! Not one that looks like something some hungry wind blew in.  When the husband of an Igbo woman stands, people must see that a man is standing. Size matters. Don’t be deceived by the looks of people like Ebuka Obi-Uchendu and that six-pack nonsense; he’s not a proper Igbo man. Look more at people like his elder brother Ugo or imagine Noble Igwe a few years after marriage; now, those are real Igbo men!  Size matters to an Igbo woman.

4. Be Aware of the Oriaku Syndrome: You have not heard of the Oriaku Syndrome? Don’t worry, I will tell you. You see, when you marry an Igbo woman, you work for her. Your glory comes from seeing her shine. When she steps out, people must SEE your money on her body. If your wife looks like the dried fish she uses in cooking your soup, you are not a man! If she’s dressed like something that was sent to Lagos along with discarded wares, you have failed in your duties! The Oriaku Syndrome posits that your wife is the chopper of your money, simple. Don’t take this to mean that you are her provider and therefore she isn’t independent. When the Igbo man was planting yam, the Igbo woman was planting and harvesting cocoyam, and as every Igbo household can testify, the cocoyam is more useful than yam. Yam is only the king crop because the Igbo society, like others, is phallocentric. Don’t get it twisted.

5. Beware of the Illuminati: Do not marry any Igbo woman that is the first daughter of her father. All first daughters in Igboland are members of the real Illuminati. They sometimes call it by another name: Umuada. They are the most powerful group in Igboland and can do and undo. No one uses small spoon to measure their food. If you marry one and misbehave and she reports you, you are doomed. Even when you don’t marry one, you are still doomed if your wife ever reports you to them. They may decide that all the first daughters from her village will come and live in your house for a month. You may wish to consider suicide if that ever happens to you. It is the Igbo woman who has forgotten the path to her father’s house that suffers in a man’s house when she has the Umuada waiting.

6. The Catholic Church Intervention: When an Igbo woman is tired of you and your nonsense, she’ll simply pack her bag and return to her father’s house. If you do not run after her and collect your bride price back from her father, whatever child she bears anywhere she goes will bear your name. Yes, I’m serious. This is why there are no bastards in Igboland. But thank God for the Catholic Church, this doesn’t happen often. The average Igbo woman is Catholic and the Catholic Church has issues with divorce. Be smart: if you’re going to marry an Igbo woman, marry one who is a Catholic; it reduces her chances of leaving you by about 50%.

You may wish to ask why none of the above is often the case when an Igbo woman marries an Igbo man… well, I don’t know. Perhaps the Igbo man knows how to be ‘oga’ over the Igbo woman and has refused to share the secret with aliens.

Anyways, is your couch free for the night? Surely there’s no way I’m going home to that woman tonight after all this…

Tagged : marriage, Marrying An Igbo Lady

Headlines Newsview all

Syrian Rebels Chant 'Allahu Akbar' Over The Body of Dead Russian Pilot After Turkey Shoots Down Jet For Violating Its Air-space

Turkish army has shot down a Russian Sukhoi Su-24 war plane near its Syrian border, officials confirm The Russian jet had violated Turkish air space and ... Full story

Ahmed Mohamed Demands $15m Compensation And Written Apology Following Arrest

The family of Ahmed Mohamed, the Texan schoolboy who was arrested after taking a homemade clock to school, has demanded $15m in compensation and written ... Full story

Governor Ibikunle Amosun Names School, Estate After Hannah Idowu Dideolu Awolowo

Governor Ibikunle Amosun of Ogun State on Monday named the only Model School in Ikenne and the recently-completed PlainField Estate at Oke-Mosan in Abeokuta after ... Full story

Lagos Trader Arrested For Allegedly Diverting Truckload Of Musical Instruments Worth N19m

A 43-year-old trader, Enemmuo Amaechi, and a driver, Benson Odefila, have been arrested by the police in Lagos for allegedly diverting a truckload of musical ... Full story

HEARTLESS: Touts Kill Lagos Driver Over 'Loading Fee'

A 30-year-old Lagos driver, Samuel Adamo, has been stabbed to death in the Oshodi area of Lagos State. Adamo, who was married with three wives and ... Full story

We Recieved N1m Ransom Received From Kidnapped Boy’s Family - Suspect

The four suspected kidnappers of a four-year-old-boy, Steve Kanu, in Abeokuta have confessed that a ransom of N1m was paid to them before he was ... Full story

SHOCKING! We Are Not Aware Of Audu’s Demise - Independent National Electoral Commission

The Independent National Electoral Commission says the All Progressives Congress has yet to inform it about the death of its Kogi State governorship candidate, Prince ... Full story

Turkey 'Downs Russian Warplane On Syria Border'

The Turkish military have reportedly shot down a Russian military aircraft on the border with Syria. Russia's defence ministry said an Su-24 had crashed on Syrian ... Full story

Barcelona FC Willing To Pay One Million Euros For Victor Osimhen

FC Barcelona are reportedly bidding for Nigerian record-breaker and goal machine, Victor Osimhen who netted 10 goals at the recently concluded FIFA U-17 World cup ... Full story

I Have No Billions Hidden Anywhere - Diezani Alison-Madueke

Cancer-stricken former Minister of Petroleum, Diezani Allison Maduele has replied her critics when told that no one seems to believe that she didn't steal money ... Full story

I Defraud Victims Of N100,000 In Every Operation - Jerry Etiobho

Two fraudsters who specialize in cooking up business stories to con people on the streets of Lagos have been apprehended by the men of the ... Full story

Comment on: Things To Know Before Marrying An Igbo Lady

Rate this article


Breaking News

Nadia Buari Throws Party For Fans (Pictures)

Last Saturday, November 21, top Ghanaian actress, Nadia Buari turned a year older and she marked the day in a special way with few of ...

Nollywood Actress, Juliet Mgborukwe Delivers Baby Boy

Nollywood actress and former television presenter, Juliet Mgborukwe-Ojukwu, has welcomed a bouncing baby boy. The actress got her bundle of joy yesterday in faraway United States ...

Nigerian Comedian, Akpororo Gushes About Wife

Comedian, Akpororo, is not slowing down in flaunting his wife as the two lovers got married some weeks back in a well attended event which ...

Anna Banner Goes Into Fashion Business

Shortly after she was delivered of her daughter for contemporary hi-life music star, Flavour, ex-beauty queen, Anna Banner is back in the country and has ...

Winners At Naija FM Comedy Jam Awards (List)

Over the weekend, fun-seekers in Lagos were treated to an undiluted enjoyment at the 2015 edition of Naija FM Comedy Jam Concert and Awards. The event ...

Funke Akindele's 'Jenifa's Diary' Wins Naija FM Comedy Award

Nollywood actress, Funke Akindele, has just received a morale booster after her popular sitcom, ‘Jenifa's Diary’ won an award over the weekend. The actress, who was ...

Yvonne Nelson Dumps John Dumelo For Bismark?

In the past, the bond of friendship between Yvonne Nelson and John Dumelo looked unchallenged, but from the look of things, they are no longer ...

TY Bello Cuts Off Trademark Afro Hairstyle

Renowned female photographer, TY Bello, who used to be a member of the defunct KUSH music group, has shaved off her trademark afro hairstyle. The former ...

Teco Benson: Nollywood Not About Dining With Women

Popular Nollywood director, Teco Benson, has expressed his anger over the wrong perception some youths have about the film industry. Teco Benson said nowadays, many people ...

Fela Never Forced Me Into Music - Femi Kuti

Afro-beat singer, Femi Anikulapo-Kuti, is a musician that has carved a niche for himself in the Nigerian music industry. The well-travelled artiste took after his late ...