Things To Know Before Marrying An Igbo Lady

// Romance | Things To Know Before Marrying An Igbo Lady
Email to a friend Plain text Print version // Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font

Now, take note of the following, dear friend:

1. Forget Authority: If you were marrying a Yoruba woman, she would have come to your house with her mother’s voice ringing in her ears that a husband’s house is a place where life’s lessons are learnt. It’s a different story for the Igbo woman. She comes from a long line of ‘unruly’ people who traditionally have no concept of a central authority figure.  Prepare to be stared down eyeball to eyeball in an argument. Prepare to be laughed at when you attempt to assert yourself as the ‘man of the house.’ When she’s done laughing, she’ll measure you, up and down with her left, and sneer: ‘Hian! See this one o; who do you think you’re talking to?’ She’ll clap and shake her head, then she’ll add something in Igbo and then saunter away, wriggling her backside.  It isn’t for nothing that the legendary Aba Womens’ Riot happened in…ABA.

2. Prepare to be Called Names: No, I am not referring to endearing (more like puke-inducing, actually) names like Baby, Darling, or Nkem. I’m talking about names that qualify your lineage and ethnicity in terms that are not exactly complimentary. If you are Yoruba, you and your people will be Ndi ofe mmanu (something about too much oil in your soup and fried things in your life); If you are a Northerner, you and your people will be Ndi beribe (something about possessing a mumu gene). Find solace in the fact that if you are truly Yoruba, you ‘know’ that Igbo people use kick to wake their mothers up from the mat in the morning.

3. Say Goodbye to your Waistline: Your waistline will increase in proportion to the years you spend with an Igbo woman who knows the well-beaten path to her mother’s kitchen. Gone are your days of adding stew to ewedu and okro, or eating egusi soup that was blended with tomatoes. Tufiakwa! The introduction of Ofe Akwu, Nsala, Oha, Onugbu, Ofe Owerri and Oporoko will ensure that when you sit, you fill up the chair. That’s what is called a man, a DIMGBA! Not one that looks like something some hungry wind blew in.  When the husband of an Igbo woman stands, people must see that a man is standing. Size matters. Don’t be deceived by the looks of people like Ebuka Obi-Uchendu and that six-pack nonsense; he’s not a proper Igbo man. Look more at people like his elder brother Ugo or imagine Noble Igwe a few years after marriage; now, those are real Igbo men!  Size matters to an Igbo woman.

4. Be Aware of the Oriaku Syndrome: You have not heard of the Oriaku Syndrome? Don’t worry, I will tell you. You see, when you marry an Igbo woman, you work for her. Your glory comes from seeing her shine. When she steps out, people must SEE your money on her body. If your wife looks like the dried fish she uses in cooking your soup, you are not a man! If she’s dressed like something that was sent to Lagos along with discarded wares, you have failed in your duties! The Oriaku Syndrome posits that your wife is the chopper of your money, simple. Don’t take this to mean that you are her provider and therefore she isn’t independent. When the Igbo man was planting yam, the Igbo woman was planting and harvesting cocoyam, and as every Igbo household can testify, the cocoyam is more useful than yam. Yam is only the king crop because the Igbo society, like others, is phallocentric. Don’t get it twisted.


5. Beware of the Illuminati: Do not marry any Igbo woman that is the first daughter of her father. All first daughters in Igboland are members of the real Illuminati. They sometimes call it by another name: Umuada. They are the most powerful group in Igboland and can do and undo. No one uses small spoon to measure their food. If you marry one and misbehave and she reports you, you are doomed. Even when you don’t marry one, you are still doomed if your wife ever reports you to them. They may decide that all the first daughters from her village will come and live in your house for a month. You may wish to consider suicide if that ever happens to you. It is the Igbo woman who has forgotten the path to her father’s house that suffers in a man’s house when she has the Umuada waiting.

6. The Catholic Church Intervention: When an Igbo woman is tired of you and your nonsense, she’ll simply pack her bag and return to her father’s house. If you do not run after her and collect your bride price back from her father, whatever child she bears anywhere she goes will bear your name. Yes, I’m serious. This is why there are no bastards in Igboland. But thank God for the Catholic Church, this doesn’t happen often. The average Igbo woman is Catholic and the Catholic Church has issues with divorce. Be smart: if you’re going to marry an Igbo woman, marry one who is a Catholic; it reduces her chances of leaving you by about 50%.

You may wish to ask why none of the above is often the case when an Igbo woman marries an Igbo man… well, I don’t know. Perhaps the Igbo man knows how to be ‘oga’ over the Igbo woman and has refused to share the secret with aliens.

Anyways, is your couch free for the night? Surely there’s no way I’m going home to that woman tonight after all this…

Tagged : marriage, Marrying An Igbo Lady

Headlines Newsview all

70% of candidates fail 2014 WASSCE

Of the 246,853 candidates who sat for the November/December 2014 West African Senior School Certificate Examination, only 72,522 candidates, representing 29.37 per cent, obtained credits ... Full story

Mr. Ibu Shows Off Massive Weight Loss In New Photos

Well, Mr. Ibu seems to have lost quite a lot of weight lately! Most likely for height reasons, he's channelling Rick Ross ... Full story

Boko Haram Kill 32; Kidnap 185 Women And Children In Borno

Multiple sources have it that Boko Haram, the deadly sect waging an insurgency against the state have killed 32 people in Borno State, and kidnapped ... Full story

Alhaji Bappa Tilde, Ex-Bauchi Accountant-General Shot Dead

Former Accountant-General of Bauchi State, Alhaji Bappa Tilde who was abducted last Saturday has been killed. According to residents, Tilde, 72, was brought by his abductors ... Full story

Inmate dies in prison after six adjournments to his trial

A man who was remanded in prison for attempting to steal his brother's money from an ATM has died due to the ineptitude of prison ... Full story

Seyi Shay Grabs Wizkid's Crotch in New Video

So, Seyi Shay and Wizkid featured in this new video titled 'Crazy', and Seyi Shay seems to have done something very crazy; she grabbed Wizkid's ... Full story

Couple tortured by police sue for N100m

The couple brutalized by a police corporal in Lagos, Ejeh and Grace Smith, is suing the police authorities for damages. The Lagos couple that was brutalized ... Full story

Boko Haram Abducts 185 Women, Kills 32

Boko Haram insurgents kidnapped at least 185 women and children, and killed 32 people in a raid in northeastern Nigeria this week, local officials and ... Full story

Gospel Musician Kenny Saint Brown Says APC Stole Her Mandate For Lai Mohammaed's Son

Gospel singer, Kenny Saint Brown does not believe she lost out in the APC primary elections but rather her mandate was stolen Gospel singer, Kenny Saint ... Full story

Boko Haram Threatens To Attack Emir of Kano, Muhammadu Sanusi II

Boko Haram leader, Abubakar Shekau, has threatened to attack the Emir of Kano, Muhammadu Sanusi II, in retaliation for the Emir’s call on Kano residents ...

Police arrest power-drunk cop’s team members in the Lekki area of Lagos State

The police have arrested other six cops at the scene of the torture of a couple in the Lekki area of Lagos State. A police source ... Full story

Comment on: Things To Know Before Marrying An Igbo Lady

Rate this article

0

Featured author

Paula Obiewkwe

Breaking News

AGN President, Ibinabo Gushes over Husband after Stepping out of Church (Photos)

‘He, who finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.’ This is the current tale of Actors Guild of Nigeria’s ...

Photos From Daystar Christain Centre Christmas Carol

Members, friends and families worshiped God in an atmosphere of joy and laughter on Sunday December 14th at one of the most anticipated Carol Concerts, ...

If Your Wife Was Fat, You Wouldn’t Have Married Her…..Fan Blast Paul Okoye

Social media banters has hit Nigeria’s adored singer, Paul Okoye after he posted a picture of girl who attempts to use scissors to cut her ...

Why My Marriage Crashed – Alex Okoroji

Alex Okoroji, daughter of ex-musician and PMAN President, Chief Tony Okoroji has revealed why her marriage crashed like a tokunbo car engine. The actress confessed that ...

Married Chief Tony Okoroji's Daughter Back To Spinsterhood

While some celebrities are happily tying the knots in 2014, others are as well walking out of their marriages and long relationships. The latest to return ...

VIDEO: Daddy Showkey ft. HarrySong – Asalamabeez

Story by Nigeriafilms.com Last Updated:7 minutes ago Brand new visual from Nigerian music icon, Daddy Showkey. He teams up with Five Star Music’s HarrySong on this one. ...

Exclusive Marriage Update: AGN President, Ibinabo Finally Signs Marriage Documents

Nigeriafilms.com correspondent at the ongoing White wedding of the Actors Guild of Nigeria’s President, Ibinabo Fiberesima, says the wedding has commenced immediately after the marriage ...

Oil workers suspend nationwide strike

Oil workers under the Petroleum and Natural Gas Senior Staff Association of Nigeria (PENGASSAN) and the National Union of Petroleum and Natural Gas Worker (NUPENG) ...

Onigbinde urges Keshi to quit Eagles

Former Nigeria coach, Adegboye Onigbinde, said he has personally written to out of contract Super Eagles coach, Stephen Keshi, to quietly seek greener pastures elsewhere.Several ...

Pastors Are Ogboni Members – Otunba Meshioye

OTUNBA-FRACIS-OLUWAGBENRO Otunba Francis Meshioye, Olori Oluwo of the Reformed Ogboni Fraternity (ROF) made some revelations recently. The supreme leader of Ogboni in Nigeria said some popular ...