The fascinating, the gross, and the totally inexplicable things men like to do alone.
1. We (try to) fix things
It sounds crazy: You've asked us repeatedly to deal with some D.I.Y. project, and when do we tackle it? When you're not even there to see. I'm more inclined to plaster the holes in the playroom (what are they doing up there-jousting?) if my wife, Karel, isn't around to needle me. Also, it helps when "someone" isn't hanging over your shoulder making "helpful" suggestions about how to "apply the plaster in the smoothest possible fashion." Of course, Karel's happy when she comes back to an improved home, but I'm not sure how she'd feel about the rest of my while-you-were-out list...
2. We park the kids in front of the TV
A six-hour Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles marathon is not an option when Mom is home. Karel's finely tuned guilty conscience will lead her to believe she's being a "bad mommy." But when people talk about "bad dads," they usually mean guys who went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. So letting the kids watch too much TV isn't as ulcer-inducing for us. Besides, I sleep like a baby after the kids have spent the day staring at the idiot's lantern, because I know I cleaned the bathroom, made dinner, and finished a column. They can go outside tomorrow.
3. We explore our relationship with the dog
You should see the dog when you're away. It sits by the door and moans; it runs around looking for you. This would be fine if I thought that Fredo the Mutt did those things when I'm gone. I rescued you, Fredo. I try to buy your affection with Kong toys stuffed with cream cheese, but you just keep bringing me Karel's bras, like all you want is a Kong full of Karel. I'm jealous, I'm hurt. Fredo, you broke my heart.
4. We nap
I love naps. But I feel bad taking them when Karel is around, because she never stops sweeping things and folding laundry. Having your partner standing over your nap-couch with a basket of jumbled socks doesn't exactly make for a primo snooze.
5. We relax with a little brown alcohol
When Karel goes to bed early, I don't get lonely; I get the remote and a rocks glass filled with bourbon. Watching sports my family hates while tying on a little buzz is a rare treat nowadays, as opposed to my single years, when it was just called a weekday.
6. We mess with your shower products
Confession: I tried to use your exfoliating loofah. Which is how I injured my groin. Pro tip, dudes: Don't try to exfoliate your groinal region. It's gonna end badly.
7. We achieve junk-food nirvana
Step 1. Kiss you good-bye.
Step 2. Watch you pull out of the driveway.
Step 3. Get in the car, drive directly to the snack aisle of the grocery store.
Step 4. Make it rain cheese curls and pork rinds until 20 minutes before you get home.
8. We get creative in bed
Not like that. But if you're gone overnight, there's a good chance that your husband will take all the pillows and craft a new, comfortable "pillow wife" to sleep with, and he will be slightly disappointed when you return and complain about his toenails. Pillow Wife never complains.
9. We clean our way
Contrary to popular belief, we don't live in squalor when you're gone. Just because you "dust" the furniture doesn't mean my way of "vacuuming" it is any less effective, and when you're away I don't even have to engage in a debate about it.
10. We let the kids brawl
Have you seen puppies wrestle? Kids need that too-they're like furless puppies. They need to be able to clobber each other under the watchful eye of adults who will make sure they don't break anything too badly. Moms are less cool with this, and it doesn't really work when one parent is stressing out; it makes kids feel awkward as they hit each other with small logs.
11. We get lonely, okay?
Watching Boardwalk Empire with Pillow Wife sorta sucks. She adds nothing to the post-episode conversation, and she doesn't laugh at my Steve Buscemi impression like you do. She doesn't do anything like you do, actually. Are you coming home soon?
Headlines Newsview all
An explosion has occurred in central Kaduna killing at least 10 people, a witness has said. The blast occurred Wednesday afternoon along Isa Kaita road which ...
It appears that the second marriage of popular Nollywood actress, Bukky Wright with her husband, Adewale Onitiri, has crashed. Reports say the couple almost ended the ...
A disturbing video which showed a Nigerian Naval officer identified as Umar Abubakar being interrogated and later gruesomely murdered by Boko Haram men in Borno ... Full story
Rate this article
- Billboard In India Mistakes Morgan Freeman For Nelson Mandela
- 7 And 10-Year-Old Michigan Boys Honored For Turning In A $100 Bill They Found In The Park
- Shaunie O’Neal Refutes Shaq’s Claim That He Didn’t Want Kids In Reality Show
Nollywood actress, Iyabo Ojo, who has been very busy on a movie set, took some time off to show affection for her cousin and nephew ...
Fast-rising Ghanaian actress, Emmanuela Mendoza, better known as Ella Mensah, has denied speculations making the rounds that she was dumped out of Ghanaian movies by ...
The ‘Most Beautiful Girl in Nigeria’ MBGN, 2014, Miss Iheoma Nnadi has stated that she had always known she would win the MBGN title.The 19-year-old ...
Top Nigerian music artiste, 9ice, seems to be angry and would not want to entertain any question from the media concerning reports him getting married ...
Eye shadows have been a long lasting trend amongst ladies. It does not only add colour to the face, but also curves the eye shape ...
Reports making the rounds is that a US-based Nigerian model named Caroline Ikpea is not at loggerheads with Tania Omotayo, girlfriend of wave making Nigerian ...
It is gradually becoming a trend for Nigerian celebrities to show off their domestic staff on the internet through social media platforms like Instagram and ...
Jordan Burchette noted the 12 sexiest accents in the world for CNN Travel on November 30, 2012, and he ranked the Nigerian accent as the ...
Genevieve Nnaji announces 18year old aspiring actress, Bola Suru as winner of “Act The Part” online contest
Genevieve Nnaji has announced the winner of the “Act the part” online contest, which kicked off three weeks ago as 18year old aspiring actress, Bola ...
Earlier today, it was reported that thebparents of abducted Chibok girls will meet with President Jonathan on Tuesday, July 22nd. They finally the president had ...