The fascinating, the gross, and the totally inexplicable things men like to do alone.
1. We (try to) fix things
It sounds crazy: You've asked us repeatedly to deal with some D.I.Y. project, and when do we tackle it? When you're not even there to see. I'm more inclined to plaster the holes in the playroom (what are they doing up there-jousting?) if my wife, Karel, isn't around to needle me. Also, it helps when "someone" isn't hanging over your shoulder making "helpful" suggestions about how to "apply the plaster in the smoothest possible fashion." Of course, Karel's happy when she comes back to an improved home, but I'm not sure how she'd feel about the rest of my while-you-were-out list...
2. We park the kids in front of the TV
A six-hour Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles marathon is not an option when Mom is home. Karel's finely tuned guilty conscience will lead her to believe she's being a "bad mommy." But when people talk about "bad dads," they usually mean guys who went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. So letting the kids watch too much TV isn't as ulcer-inducing for us. Besides, I sleep like a baby after the kids have spent the day staring at the idiot's lantern, because I know I cleaned the bathroom, made dinner, and finished a column. They can go outside tomorrow.
3. We explore our relationship with the dog
You should see the dog when you're away. It sits by the door and moans; it runs around looking for you. This would be fine if I thought that Fredo the Mutt did those things when I'm gone. I rescued you, Fredo. I try to buy your affection with Kong toys stuffed with cream cheese, but you just keep bringing me Karel's bras, like all you want is a Kong full of Karel. I'm jealous, I'm hurt. Fredo, you broke my heart.
4. We nap
I love naps. But I feel bad taking them when Karel is around, because she never stops sweeping things and folding laundry. Having your partner standing over your nap-couch with a basket of jumbled socks doesn't exactly make for a primo snooze.
5. We relax with a little brown alcohol
When Karel goes to bed early, I don't get lonely; I get the remote and a rocks glass filled with bourbon. Watching sports my family hates while tying on a little buzz is a rare treat nowadays, as opposed to my single years, when it was just called a weekday.
6. We mess with your shower products
Confession: I tried to use your exfoliating loofah. Which is how I injured my groin. Pro tip, dudes: Don't try to exfoliate your groinal region. It's gonna end badly.
7. We achieve junk-food nirvana
Step 1. Kiss you good-bye.
Step 2. Watch you pull out of the driveway.
Step 3. Get in the car, drive directly to the snack aisle of the grocery store.
Step 4. Make it rain cheese curls and pork rinds until 20 minutes before you get home.
8. We get creative in bed
Not like that. But if you're gone overnight, there's a good chance that your husband will take all the pillows and craft a new, comfortable "pillow wife" to sleep with, and he will be slightly disappointed when you return and complain about his toenails. Pillow Wife never complains.
9. We clean our way
Contrary to popular belief, we don't live in squalor when you're gone. Just because you "dust" the furniture doesn't mean my way of "vacuuming" it is any less effective, and when you're away I don't even have to engage in a debate about it.
10. We let the kids brawl
Have you seen puppies wrestle? Kids need that too-they're like furless puppies. They need to be able to clobber each other under the watchful eye of adults who will make sure they don't break anything too badly. Moms are less cool with this, and it doesn't really work when one parent is stressing out; it makes kids feel awkward as they hit each other with small logs.
11. We get lonely, okay?
Watching Boardwalk Empire with Pillow Wife sorta sucks. She adds nothing to the post-episode conversation, and she doesn't laugh at my Steve Buscemi impression like you do. She doesn't do anything like you do, actually. Are you coming home soon?
Headlines Newsview all
Lagos Doctor Arrested For Detaining Babies And Mothers For Several Months Over Non-Payment Of Hospital Bills
A hospital where nursing mothers and their babies were illegally detained in dehumanising conditions for several months over non-payment of hospital bills has been uncovered ... Full story
That fateful Tuesday, the new intakes of the Law School on Victoria Island, Lagos had resumed for lectures at 9 am as it was customary.Dressed ... Full story
While a few African millionaires and billionaires may have more money than most of us can ever dream of, here are a handful of young ... Full story
Rate this article
- Amazon says flying robots are not the future of home delivery
- Yusuf resumes with El-Kanemi Monday
- Enyimba star set for Pillars switch
Expectedly, seasoned producer, OJB Jezreel has landed in Nigeria months after undergoing a successful kidney transplant in India.Jezreel, who was earlier expected to return on ...
We all want to look great in a stunning dress. The pressures of home and family life can also mean it feels as if there's ...
Justice Bubba of a Federal High Court sitting in Lagos has adjourned till January 14, 2014 a matter brought before the court involving Brymo and ...
Group A Brazil Croatia Mexico Cameroon Group B Spain Netherlands Chile Australia Group C Colombia Greece Côte d'Ivoire Japan Group D Uruguay Costa Rica England Italy Group E Switzerland Ecuador France Honduras Group F Argentina Bosnia-Herzegovina Iran Nigeria Group G Germany Portugal Ghana United States Group H Belgium Algeria Russia Korea Republic ...
Nigeria will play against Argentina, Iran and Bosnia and Hezogovina in Brazil. World Cup organisers on Friday opened the draw ceremony for next year’s finals ...
Nollywood's top actor Jim Iyke has taken over the whole Sierra Leone and he seems to be the biggest thing happening in this country recently. ...
Nollywood actress, Funke Akindele was for the first time spotted with marijuana, simply known as Indian hemp, and this time, it’s actually in one of ...
Lagos based Pastor of the Household of God Church, Kris Okotie, has said that he stood by his recent sermon where he said the Catholics ...
Those we rate as the best might not be the best after all. Wait till the film makers themselves do their rating. This time, renowned ...
Nelson Mandela died as a great legend, he left behind lessons to learn from and a good life to imitate from, one point that I ...