Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

// Romance | Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking
Email to a friend Plain text Print version // Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font

The fascinating, the gross, and the totally inexplicable things men like to do alone.

1. We (try to) fix things 

It sounds crazy: You've asked us repeatedly to deal with some D.I.Y. project, and when do we tackle it? When you're not even there to see. I'm more inclined to plaster the holes in the playroom (what are they doing up there-jousting?) if my wife, Karel, isn't around to needle me. Also, it helps when "someone" isn't hanging over your shoulder making "helpful" suggestions about how to "apply the plaster in the smoothest possible fashion." Of course, Karel's happy when she comes back to an improved home, but I'm not sure how she'd feel about the rest of my while-you-were-out list... 

2. We park the kids in front of the TV 

A six-hour Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles marathon is not an option when Mom is home. Karel's finely tuned guilty conscience will lead her to believe she's being a "bad mommy." But when people talk about "bad dads," they usually mean guys who went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. So letting the kids watch too much TV isn't as ulcer-inducing for us. Besides, I sleep like a baby after the kids have spent the day staring at the idiot's lantern, because I know I cleaned the bathroom, made dinner, and finished a column. They can go outside tomorrow. 

3. We explore our relationship with the dog 

You should see the dog when you're away. It sits by the door and moans; it runs around looking for you. This would be fine if I thought that Fredo the Mutt did those things when I'm gone. I rescued you, Fredo. I try to buy your affection with Kong toys stuffed with cream cheese, but you just keep bringing me Karel's bras, like all you want is a Kong full of Karel. I'm jealous, I'm hurt. Fredo, you broke my heart. 

4. We nap 

I love naps. But I feel bad taking them when Karel is around, because she never stops sweeping things and folding laundry. Having your partner standing over your nap-couch with a basket of jumbled socks doesn't exactly make for a primo snooze. 

5. We relax with a little brown alcohol 

When Karel goes to bed early, I don't get lonely; I get the remote and a rocks glass filled with bourbon. Watching sports my family hates while tying on a little buzz is a rare treat nowadays, as opposed to my single years, when it was just called a weekday. 

6. We mess with your shower products 

Confession: I tried to use your exfoliating loofah. Which is how I injured my groin. Pro tip, dudes: Don't try to exfoliate your groinal region. It's gonna end badly. 

7. We achieve junk-food nirvana 

Step 1. Kiss you good-bye. 

Step 2. Watch you pull out of the driveway. 

Step 3. Get in the car, drive directly to the snack aisle of the grocery store. 

Step 4. Make it rain cheese curls and pork rinds until 20 minutes before you get home. 

8. We get creative in bed 

Not like that. But if you're gone overnight, there's a good chance that your husband will take all the pillows and craft a new, comfortable "pillow wife" to sleep with, and he will be slightly disappointed when you return and complain about his toenails. Pillow Wife never complains. 

9. We clean our way 

Contrary to popular belief, we don't live in squalor when you're gone. Just because you "dust" the furniture doesn't mean my way of "vacuuming" it is any less effective, and when you're away I don't even have to engage in a debate about it. 

10. We let the kids brawl 

Have you seen puppies wrestle? Kids need that too-they're like furless puppies. They need to be able to clobber each other under the watchful eye of adults who will make sure they don't break anything too badly. Moms are less cool with this, and it doesn't really work when one parent is stressing out; it makes kids feel awkward as they hit each other with small logs. 

11. We get lonely, okay? 

Watching Boardwalk Empire with Pillow Wife sorta sucks. She adds nothing to the post-episode conversation, and she doesn't laugh at my Steve Buscemi impression like you do. She doesn't do anything like you do, actually. Are you coming home soon?

Tagged : relationships, Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

Headlines Newsview all

Ini Edo’s Marriage To Phillip Ehiagwina Allegedly Crashes

New reports surfacing online allege that actress Ini Edo’s marriage has crashed. Ini Edo, who got married to her American based business man, Phillip in 2008, ... Full story

Pastor Ayo Oritsejafor, President of the Christian Association of Nigeria opens up on $9.3m arms deal

President of the Christian Association of Nigeria, CAN, Pastor Ayo Oritsejafor, yesterday for the first time spoke on the controversial $9.3m cash allegedly smuggled into ...

Pastor E.Adeboye Says Abortion Is Okay If A Doctor Requests It

The GO of the Redeemed Christian Church of God, (RCCG) Pastor Enoch Adeboye, says abortion is ungodly and unbiblical. He made his position known via ... Full story

Man Attempts to Commit Suicide In Synagogue Church To Prove T.B Joshua Is Not Fake

The spokesman of Emmanuel TV, the media outfit of the Synagogue Church of all Nations, Ken Emeakayi, revealed on Channels TV's Sunrise Daily programme today ... Full story

TB Joshua To Be Prosecuted In Lagos

The Lagos State Government has set up a coroner of inquest for the purpose of investigating the cause of the September 12 Synagogue Church of ...

Nigerian oil tycoon's wife sends warning to Porsha Williams, "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" star

More details have come out on the rumor that "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" star Porsha Williams is dating a married man. On Saturday, September ... Full story

Adokiye Kyrian - Buy my mum a private jet and eat my forbidding fruit

Sexy, Imo State-born singer, Adokiye Kyrian, once created a media storm when she disclosed that she is still 'untouched' s*xually. The talented music act who calls ... Full story

Cardinal Okogie Declares Oritsejafor Is Finished And CAN Is Damaged

In perhaps the most stinging criticism of the leadership of the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), by a past leader of the body, the former ...

TB Joshua refutes allegations that he performs fake miracles

The founder of the Synagogue Church of All Nations, Temitope Joshua, has refuted allegations that he performs fake miracles. The pastor has come under severe criticisms ...

Tony Tetuila Criticized For Campaigning With Blonde Hair

Few days ago, music artiste, Tony Tetuila attracted criticism when his campaign poster showed him still flaunting his blonde hair when campaigning for a political ...

Nollywood Actor Kenneth Okonkwo Declares Political Intentions

This is becoming more serious than we thought. Another entertainer has declared intention to delve into politics. Veteran Nollywood actor, Kenneth Okonkwo said declared his intentions ...

Comment on: Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

Rate this article

0

Featured author

Reinetta Zachary

Breaking News

FASHION POLICE REPORT: Victoria Kimani is One Sexy Mamacita!

fghgfd | 10/1/2014 11:09:46 AM EmptyHeen is in trouble dat wat I call them Because I can't believe this is working is just like a Dream....hey ...

Peter of Psquare Falls Of Stage During Performance.

gfhdf | 10/1/2014 11:10:28 AM EmptyHeen is in trouble dat wat I call them Because I can't believe this is working is just like a Dream....hey ...

Some Male Fans Say I’m Rude Because I Reject Their Advances—Iyabo Ojo

fhgf | 10/1/2014 11:15:27 AM EmptyHeen is in trouble dat wat I call them Because I can't believe this is working is just like a Dream....hey ...

TY Bello Goes On Photography Tour To Kano

Nigerian singer, TY Bello, is not only a music artiste, but an internationally acclaimed photographer. The colours, shades and textures which she captures in her ...

Family Members Contributed To My Crashed Marriage—Juliet Ibrahim

Few months ago, top Ghanaian actress, Juliet Ibrahim, confirmed that she had divorced her husband, which shocked most of her fans. Before then, there were ...

Your Jet Was Registered For Evangelism Not For Moving Money—Falana Tells Oritsejafor

Top human rights activist, Femi Falana has disclosed that the private jet of Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) president, Ayo Oritsejafor which was recently reported ...

VIDEO – Attempted Suicide At SCOAN? T.B. Joshua Fires Critics

Dramatic footage of a young man dangerously jumping from The Synagogue, Church Of All Nations (SCOAN) gallery was shown to congregants on Sunday 28th September ...

Sheraton Hotel In Billion Naira Lawsuit Mess

One of the top hotels in Nigeria, Sheraton Lagos, in presently in the hot soup of the Copyright Society of Nigeria (COSON) as a copyright ...

Ghanaian Model, Habiba Sinare Denies Sleeping With Davido

Over the weekend, bedroom pictures showing Davido and Ghanaian beauty queen, Habiba Sinare together flooded the internet. The pictures generated some reactions among fans of ...

Omotola Acts Better Than Genevieve—Charles Novia Speaks

On Monday, September 29, 2014, President Goodluck Jonathan decorated some Nigerians, including Nollywood icons, with National Honours. The event was held in Abuja, the Nation’s ...