Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

// Romance | Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking
Email to a friend Plain text Print version // Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font

The fascinating, the gross, and the totally inexplicable things men like to do alone.

1. We (try to) fix things 

It sounds crazy: You've asked us repeatedly to deal with some D.I.Y. project, and when do we tackle it? When you're not even there to see. I'm more inclined to plaster the holes in the playroom (what are they doing up there-jousting?) if my wife, Karel, isn't around to needle me. Also, it helps when "someone" isn't hanging over your shoulder making "helpful" suggestions about how to "apply the plaster in the smoothest possible fashion." Of course, Karel's happy when she comes back to an improved home, but I'm not sure how she'd feel about the rest of my while-you-were-out list... 

2. We park the kids in front of the TV 

A six-hour Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles marathon is not an option when Mom is home. Karel's finely tuned guilty conscience will lead her to believe she's being a "bad mommy." But when people talk about "bad dads," they usually mean guys who went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. So letting the kids watch too much TV isn't as ulcer-inducing for us. Besides, I sleep like a baby after the kids have spent the day staring at the idiot's lantern, because I know I cleaned the bathroom, made dinner, and finished a column. They can go outside tomorrow. 

3. We explore our relationship with the dog 

You should see the dog when you're away. It sits by the door and moans; it runs around looking for you. This would be fine if I thought that Fredo the Mutt did those things when I'm gone. I rescued you, Fredo. I try to buy your affection with Kong toys stuffed with cream cheese, but you just keep bringing me Karel's bras, like all you want is a Kong full of Karel. I'm jealous, I'm hurt. Fredo, you broke my heart. 

4. We nap 

I love naps. But I feel bad taking them when Karel is around, because she never stops sweeping things and folding laundry. Having your partner standing over your nap-couch with a basket of jumbled socks doesn't exactly make for a primo snooze. 

5. We relax with a little brown alcohol 

When Karel goes to bed early, I don't get lonely; I get the remote and a rocks glass filled with bourbon. Watching sports my family hates while tying on a little buzz is a rare treat nowadays, as opposed to my single years, when it was just called a weekday. 

6. We mess with your shower products 

Confession: I tried to use your exfoliating loofah. Which is how I injured my groin. Pro tip, dudes: Don't try to exfoliate your groinal region. It's gonna end badly. 

7. We achieve junk-food nirvana 

Step 1. Kiss you good-bye. 

Step 2. Watch you pull out of the driveway. 

Step 3. Get in the car, drive directly to the snack aisle of the grocery store. 

Step 4. Make it rain cheese curls and pork rinds until 20 minutes before you get home. 

8. We get creative in bed 

Not like that. But if you're gone overnight, there's a good chance that your husband will take all the pillows and craft a new, comfortable "pillow wife" to sleep with, and he will be slightly disappointed when you return and complain about his toenails. Pillow Wife never complains. 

9. We clean our way 

Contrary to popular belief, we don't live in squalor when you're gone. Just because you "dust" the furniture doesn't mean my way of "vacuuming" it is any less effective, and when you're away I don't even have to engage in a debate about it. 

10. We let the kids brawl 

Have you seen puppies wrestle? Kids need that too-they're like furless puppies. They need to be able to clobber each other under the watchful eye of adults who will make sure they don't break anything too badly. Moms are less cool with this, and it doesn't really work when one parent is stressing out; it makes kids feel awkward as they hit each other with small logs. 

11. We get lonely, okay? 

Watching Boardwalk Empire with Pillow Wife sorta sucks. She adds nothing to the post-episode conversation, and she doesn't laugh at my Steve Buscemi impression like you do. She doesn't do anything like you do, actually. Are you coming home soon?

Tagged : relationships, Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

Headlines Newsview all

Bomb Blast Rocks Kano Again, Many Feared Dead

Another explosion hit Kano, coming just 24 hours after the state suffered three bomb explosions in different locations. Today’s blast took place at the NNPC ...

Asari Dokubo: "Bomb attack on former Military Head of State was planned by Buhari himself"

This might look weird, but the former militant leader, Dokubo-Asari has alleged that the bomb attack on former Military Head of State was planned by ...

Kano State Catholic Church Bomb Blast Kills 6, Injures 13

2 Bombs went off in northern Nigeria’s main city of Kano, killing 6 people and wounded 13 others on Sunday, a senior police officer said. The ...

19 Yrs Old Ghanaian Girl Commits Suicide After S3x Tape Leaks - Video

The Ghanaian Girl who Became Famous After a video of her and her boyfriend Making Love Hit The internet Allegedly Committed Suicide, Benadicta Yeboah who ... Full story

Nigerian army arrest bomber disguised as woman in Kaduna

The Nigerian Army has apprehended a suspected insurgent in relation with the twin bomb blast that rocked Kaduna on Wednesday. The twin-bomb attacks which resulted in ... Full story

Nigerian man sentenced to death for failing to bribe policeman with N200

A shaft of pain knifed through his facial contours as he recounted the grisly experiences he had in prison for more than 23 years. Prior to ...

US, Canada Condemn Kaduna Bombings

As critiscisms continued to greet Wednesday’s twin bombings in Kaduna metropolis, an Improvised Explosive Device went off at the New Road Motor Park in Kano ... Full story

Nigeria's Nkechi Opara wins first medal in women’s weightlifting at 2014 Commonwealth Games

Team Nigeria on Thursday in Glasgow recorded its first medal at the 2014 Commonwealth Games when Nkechi Opara won bronze in the women’s weightlifting 48 ... Full story

Bishop Oyedepo: Nigeria May Split Soon

Bishop David Oyedepo of the Living Faith Church aka Winners Chapel, has warned that Nigeria is on the verge of breaking up if some issues ...

Ebola epidemic gets 'Out of Control' in West Africa

The doctor leading the fight against Ebola in Sierra Leone has himself caught the disease. The epidemic has claimed the lives of more than 600 ...

Nigeria, Cameroon, Chad and Niger deploy 2,800 troops against Boko Haram

Nigeria, Cameroon, Chad and Niger have agreed to quickly form a new force that would comprise 2,800 soldiers to fight the Boko Haram insurgents. The defence ...

Comment on: Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

Rate this article

0

Featured author

Mandy Heuman

Breaking News

Don't Have Kids Immediately After Marriage—Fummi Iyanda Advises

Media personality, Fummi Iyanda clocked 43 on Sunday, July 27, 2014 and she took her time to advice young people.The pretty lady urged many to ...

Nollywood Is Bigger Than Oil & Gas Industry—Tinsel Star, Victor Olaotan

Popular Tinsel actor, Victor Olaotan, has disclosed in an exclusive chat with Nigeriafilms.com that the Federal Government needs to invest more in Nollywood in order ...

Nigerian Comedians Are Lazy—Comedian, Kunle Thomas

Wave-making comedian, Patrick Onyeke aka Kunle Thomas, has disclosed that his comedy skit currently showing on television has been in the pipeline for about two ...

Chigozie Atuanya In America To Promote New Movie

Chigozie Atuanya Handsome movie star, Chigozie Atuanya, is presently in the United States of America (USA), Nigeriafilms.com can confirm.It was squealed to us that the actor ...

No Man is Involved in My Radiant Looks--Fast-Rising Singer, J’odie

Fast-rising singer, J’odie, whose real name is Joy Odiete, has disclosed that she never expected her song ‘Kuchi Kuchi’ to be widely accepted because she ...

Ghanaian Actress, Juliet Ibrahim Takes Ebola Awarenes To Social Media

Ghanaian actress, Juliet Ibrahim, has taken to her social media page to advice her fans on the need to be careful of the deadly disease ...

I Can’t Divorce 2Face—Annie Macaulay

Nollywood actress and wife of award winning music artiste, 2face Idibia, Annie, has revealed that she will not allow her children go through the emotional ...

South African Actress, Xolile Tshabalala Joins Rita Dominic As AFRIFF Ambassador

Top South African role-interpreter, Xolile Tshabalala, has been appointed as the Ambassador for Africa International Film Festival (AFRIFF).The pretty lady held a meeting with the ...

Anxiety As BON Unveils Nominees Friday

Ahead of the prestigious Best of Nollywood (BON) awards ceremony, which takes place later in the year; organisers of the event have concluded plans to ...

Juliet Ibrahim Shows Off Killer Curves At Event

Top Ghanaian actress, Juliet Ibrahim, who recently announced her divorce to her fans, was at an event in the United States of America (USA), where ...