Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

// Romance | Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking
Email to a friend Plain text Print version // Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font

The fascinating, the gross, and the totally inexplicable things men like to do alone.

1. We (try to) fix things 

It sounds crazy: You've asked us repeatedly to deal with some D.I.Y. project, and when do we tackle it? When you're not even there to see. I'm more inclined to plaster the holes in the playroom (what are they doing up there-jousting?) if my wife, Karel, isn't around to needle me. Also, it helps when "someone" isn't hanging over your shoulder making "helpful" suggestions about how to "apply the plaster in the smoothest possible fashion." Of course, Karel's happy when she comes back to an improved home, but I'm not sure how she'd feel about the rest of my while-you-were-out list... 

2. We park the kids in front of the TV 

A six-hour Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles marathon is not an option when Mom is home. Karel's finely tuned guilty conscience will lead her to believe she's being a "bad mommy." But when people talk about "bad dads," they usually mean guys who went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. So letting the kids watch too much TV isn't as ulcer-inducing for us. Besides, I sleep like a baby after the kids have spent the day staring at the idiot's lantern, because I know I cleaned the bathroom, made dinner, and finished a column. They can go outside tomorrow. 

3. We explore our relationship with the dog 

You should see the dog when you're away. It sits by the door and moans; it runs around looking for you. This would be fine if I thought that Fredo the Mutt did those things when I'm gone. I rescued you, Fredo. I try to buy your affection with Kong toys stuffed with cream cheese, but you just keep bringing me Karel's bras, like all you want is a Kong full of Karel. I'm jealous, I'm hurt. Fredo, you broke my heart. 

4. We nap 

I love naps. But I feel bad taking them when Karel is around, because she never stops sweeping things and folding laundry. Having your partner standing over your nap-couch with a basket of jumbled socks doesn't exactly make for a primo snooze. 

5. We relax with a little brown alcohol 

When Karel goes to bed early, I don't get lonely; I get the remote and a rocks glass filled with bourbon. Watching sports my family hates while tying on a little buzz is a rare treat nowadays, as opposed to my single years, when it was just called a weekday. 

6. We mess with your shower products 

Confession: I tried to use your exfoliating loofah. Which is how I injured my groin. Pro tip, dudes: Don't try to exfoliate your groinal region. It's gonna end badly. 

7. We achieve junk-food nirvana 

Step 1. Kiss you good-bye. 

Step 2. Watch you pull out of the driveway. 

Step 3. Get in the car, drive directly to the snack aisle of the grocery store. 

Step 4. Make it rain cheese curls and pork rinds until 20 minutes before you get home. 

8. We get creative in bed 

Not like that. But if you're gone overnight, there's a good chance that your husband will take all the pillows and craft a new, comfortable "pillow wife" to sleep with, and he will be slightly disappointed when you return and complain about his toenails. Pillow Wife never complains. 

9. We clean our way 

Contrary to popular belief, we don't live in squalor when you're gone. Just because you "dust" the furniture doesn't mean my way of "vacuuming" it is any less effective, and when you're away I don't even have to engage in a debate about it. 

10. We let the kids brawl 

Have you seen puppies wrestle? Kids need that too-they're like furless puppies. They need to be able to clobber each other under the watchful eye of adults who will make sure they don't break anything too badly. Moms are less cool with this, and it doesn't really work when one parent is stressing out; it makes kids feel awkward as they hit each other with small logs. 

11. We get lonely, okay? 

Watching Boardwalk Empire with Pillow Wife sorta sucks. She adds nothing to the post-episode conversation, and she doesn't laugh at my Steve Buscemi impression like you do. She doesn't do anything like you do, actually. Are you coming home soon?

Tagged : relationships, Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

Headlines Newsview all

Domitilla Star Anne Njemanze's Marriage To Young Lover Collapses 8 Months After Wedding

There are insinuations that Domitilla star, Anne Njemanze's marriage to younger lover, Silver Ojieson, crumbled barely eight months after the union was contracted.Reports shows that ... Full story

SAD: Albinos In East Africa Are Hunted For Their Body Parts For Rituals

The albinos who are born in East Africa are becoming more and more of an endangered specie as they are been hunted for their skin ... Full story

Outgoing Benue Governor, Donates 8 SUVs To Incoming Governor

The outgoing governor of Benue State, Gabriel Suswam, on Thursday donated eight new Toyota Prado Sports Utility Vehicles to the state governor-elect, Samuel Ortom, his ... Full story

Xenophobia Attacks: Gani Adams, Visits South Africa

The National Coordinator of the Oodua Peoples Congress, Gani Adams, on Thursday visited the Nigerian Embassy in South Africa in support of Nigerians affected by ... Full story

Ten Policemen Detained By Army For Refusing To Wear Uniforms

Ten counter-terrorism police officers attached to the Nigeria army peacekeeping forward operation base in Abuja are currently unlawfully detained at a military barrack in Gwagwalada, ... Full story

Nigerian Troops Get Mandate To Catch Boko Haram Leader Abubakar Shekau Alive

Troops have got another mandate to catch Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau alive. Shekau is believed to have relocated from his bunker before the troops reclaimed ...

Lagos State Governor Babatunde Fashola, Named As One Of Seven Outstanding Personalities Worldwide

A global conflict prevention organisation, International Crisis Group, has named the Governor of Lagos State, Babatunde Fashola, as one of seven outstanding personalities worldwide, to ...

Bose Oladimeji: Impecunious Men Have No Place In My Heart

Bose Oladimeji is beginning to get all the attention in the Yoruba film industry, for both her talent and good looks. But Bose, from Kwara ... Full story

Xenophobia: Federal GovernmentTo File Criminal Case Against Zulu King At ICC

The Senate, yesterday, urged President Goodluck Jonathan to recall Nigeria’s High Commissioner to South Africa, following the wave of xenophobic attacks against Nigerians and other ... Full story

EFCC Chase Modu Sheriff Over N300 billion Borno Funds

A former governor of Borno State, Ali Modu Sheriff, is expected to appear before anti-graft agency, the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission. PREMIUM TIMES learnt Tuesday ... Full story

Abia State Voters Threatened With Coffins

Ahead of Saturday's election , residents o f Abia state are been threatened by unknown persons who dropped a coffin somewhere around the town. See photo ... Full story

Comment on: Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

Rate this article

0

Breaking News

Singer Asa, Shows Off Photo Of Her 'Mystery Man'

Nigerian singer Asa has subtly revealed the identity of her supposed lover on social media. From the picture, it could be easily concluded that her lover ...

Exclusive: Ann Njemanze's Second Marriage To Younger Lover Hits The Rock

For a while, Nigeriafilms.com, has been following the social media updates of Nollywood actress/Domitila star, Ann Njemanze, who's the former wife of actor Segun Arinze. The ...

Unpaid Debt Scandal Gets Messier, As Tonto 'Gaga' Burns Luxury Bag Worth N192K

The drama between Tonto Dikeh and Pearl Chuks, the lady who had allegedly accused the Nollywood actress of owing her thousands of Naira have taken ...

Stephanie Okereke gives tips on how to keep a man

Nollywood actress, Stephanie Okereke always takes time out to advise men and women on relationships through her daily blog.The actress who recently celebrated her third ...

FRSC returns N400,0000 to family of deceased

The Federal Road Safety Corps (FRSC) RS 1.15 Sabon Tasha Unit Command in Kaduna State has returned over N400,000 recovered from an accident victim, late ...

UK spends £100m to prevent 2.5m unwanted pregnancies

Distribution of some 1.2 billion condoms in eight states under a programme funded by the British government against HIV/AIDS helped prevent 2.5 million unintended pregnancies, ...

How Alcoholic Mother Abandoned Children, Eloped With Second Husband

Residents of New Nyanya in Karu local government area of Nasarawa State were shocked when they realised that a pregnant mother of four with a ...

King Sunny Ade Managing Director Dies

King Sunny Ade's Managing Director Juju master, King Sunny Ade's (KSA) managing director, Sunday Abayomi is reported to be dead according the PM News. The 55-year old ...

Nigeria Football Federation,Nike Sign Deal

Nike and the Nigeria Football Federation (NFF) announced a new partnership for designing and developing football kits for the country’s men’s and women’s national football ... Full story

Ini Edo’s Movie Night With Fans And Autograph Signing Session

Ini Edo marked her birthday with a movie night with fans,featuring an autograph signing session and screening of her movie,”While you slept”.It took place this ... Full story