PreviousNext

Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

// Romance | Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking
Email to a friend Plain text Print version // Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font

The fascinating, the gross, and the totally inexplicable things men like to do alone.

1. We (try to) fix things 

It sounds crazy: You've asked us repeatedly to deal with some D.I.Y. project, and when do we tackle it? When you're not even there to see. I'm more inclined to plaster the holes in the playroom (what are they doing up there-jousting?) if my wife, Karel, isn't around to needle me. Also, it helps when "someone" isn't hanging over your shoulder making "helpful" suggestions about how to "apply the plaster in the smoothest possible fashion." Of course, Karel's happy when she comes back to an improved home, but I'm not sure how she'd feel about the rest of my while-you-were-out list... 

2. We park the kids in front of the TV 

A six-hour Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles marathon is not an option when Mom is home. Karel's finely tuned guilty conscience will lead her to believe she's being a "bad mommy." But when people talk about "bad dads," they usually mean guys who went out for a pack of cigarettes and never came back. So letting the kids watch too much TV isn't as ulcer-inducing for us. Besides, I sleep like a baby after the kids have spent the day staring at the idiot's lantern, because I know I cleaned the bathroom, made dinner, and finished a column. They can go outside tomorrow. 

3. We explore our relationship with the dog 

You should see the dog when you're away. It sits by the door and moans; it runs around looking for you. This would be fine if I thought that Fredo the Mutt did those things when I'm gone. I rescued you, Fredo. I try to buy your affection with Kong toys stuffed with cream cheese, but you just keep bringing me Karel's bras, like all you want is a Kong full of Karel. I'm jealous, I'm hurt. Fredo, you broke my heart. 

4. We nap 

I love naps. But I feel bad taking them when Karel is around, because she never stops sweeping things and folding laundry. Having your partner standing over your nap-couch with a basket of jumbled socks doesn't exactly make for a primo snooze. 

5. We relax with a little brown alcohol 

When Karel goes to bed early, I don't get lonely; I get the remote and a rocks glass filled with bourbon. Watching sports my family hates while tying on a little buzz is a rare treat nowadays, as opposed to my single years, when it was just called a weekday. 

6. We mess with your shower products 

Confession: I tried to use your exfoliating loofah. Which is how I injured my groin. Pro tip, dudes: Don't try to exfoliate your groinal region. It's gonna end badly. 

7. We achieve junk-food nirvana 

Step 1. Kiss you good-bye. 

Step 2. Watch you pull out of the driveway. 

Step 3. Get in the car, drive directly to the snack aisle of the grocery store. 

Step 4. Make it rain cheese curls and pork rinds until 20 minutes before you get home. 

8. We get creative in bed 

Not like that. But if you're gone overnight, there's a good chance that your husband will take all the pillows and craft a new, comfortable "pillow wife" to sleep with, and he will be slightly disappointed when you return and complain about his toenails. Pillow Wife never complains. 

9. We clean our way 

Contrary to popular belief, we don't live in squalor when you're gone. Just because you "dust" the furniture doesn't mean my way of "vacuuming" it is any less effective, and when you're away I don't even have to engage in a debate about it. 

10. We let the kids brawl 

Have you seen puppies wrestle? Kids need that too-they're like furless puppies. They need to be able to clobber each other under the watchful eye of adults who will make sure they don't break anything too badly. Moms are less cool with this, and it doesn't really work when one parent is stressing out; it makes kids feel awkward as they hit each other with small logs. 

11. We get lonely, okay? 

Watching Boardwalk Empire with Pillow Wife sorta sucks. She adds nothing to the post-episode conversation, and she doesn't laugh at my Steve Buscemi impression like you do. She doesn't do anything like you do, actually. Are you coming home soon?

Tagged : relationships, Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

Headlines Newsview all

IPOB Cries Out: South East Governors Have Sold The Igbos

The Indigenous People of Biafra, (IPOB) has condemned the South East governors and politicians of trading off Ndigbo course for personal and selfish political interest. The ...

Tiwa Savage’s Husband Tunji 'Teebillz' Balogun Tries To Commit Suicide On The Lekki- Ikoyi Toll Bridge

When Teebillz shared his suicide note Thursday morning on Instagram while pouring his heart out about the demise of his marriage to Tiwa Savage, many ... Full story

EU To Deport Nigerians In Exchange For Aid

The EU and Nigeria will discuss a deal to send migrants back to Africa’s most populous country in order to curb migration flows into the ...

EFCC Arrests Nursing Mother, Others For Stealing Dead Man's N3.7m

Greed is pushing people to the extreme! The EFCC, on Thursday, arraigned the trio of Patience Owerema, Nwakoba N.Francisca and Okafor Kingsley before Justice Binta ... Full story

Maurice Iwu, Ex INEC Boss Wanted by EFCC Over N23bn Election Bribe

A former Chairman of the Independent National Electoral Commission, (INEC) Maurice Iwu, has been declared wanted by the EFCC. According to reports, the anti-graft agency has ...

Kaduna Turns Bloody: 6 Dead, Governor El Rufai Stoned

Fight over a woman between two neighboring communities of Badarawa Kwaru and Unguwar Yero in Kaduna North local government area of Kaduna State has turned ... Full story

Exclusive: Balarabe Spits Fire, Says Buhari Is Weak And Incompetent

– Balarabe Musa said the atrocities being committed by suspected Fulani herdsmen across the country was because of the weakness of the government – President Buhari ... Full story

Read Shocking Explanation By Umer On How He Was Cleared Of Bribery By Attorney General

The Chairman of the Code of Conduct Tribunal, CCT, Justice Danladi Umar, has explained that contrary to the claim by the Senate President, Dr. Bukola ... Full story

20 Political Parties Want Saraki To Face Trial

No fewer than 20 registered opposition political parties in the country have called on the Senate President, Bukola Saraki, to come clean on the issue ... Full story

Buhari Condemns Attack By Fulani Herdsmen On Enugu Community And Orders Security Chiefs To Hunt Down Perpetrators

President Muhammadu Buhari has ordered security chiefs to hunt down those who perpetrated the attack on Ukpabu Nimbo community in Uzo-Uwani area of Enugu State ...

EFCC Apprehend Bank MD For Allegedly Helping Diezani Allison-Madueke Launder $115 Million Cash

Managing Director of a leading Nigerian commercial bank has been detained by the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, EFCC, for allegedly helping former Petroleum Minister, ...

Comment on: Things Men Do When You Are Not Looking

Rate this article

0

Breaking News

Super Eagles Ogu Shares Lovely Picture Of Pregnant Wife

Hapoel Be’er Sheva midfielder John Ogu has shared an adorable picture of himself and his heavily pregnant wife Chiugo Akaolisa Ogu on Instagram. Ogu who has ...

Mary Onyali Fears Nigeria Might Fail Again At Rio Olympics

Former Nigeria athlete, Mary Onyali, has expressed fears over Nigeria’s medal prospects at the forth-coming Rio Olympics, highlighting inadequate planning as a major reason for ...

Nollywood Celebrities Hosted In Amsterdam By KLM Airline

Top Nollywood actors were yesterday, April 28, hosted at the Netherlands’s Kings Day celebration in Amsterdam, Netherlands. The Royal Dutch airline sponsored trip was led by ...

Redknapp Expected To Be Named New Super Eagles Coach

Former Tottenham Hotspur boss Harry Redknapp has been identified as the strongest candidate to be the new head coach of the Super eagles in a ...

Ideye Returns To Super Eagles

Brown Ideye is making a return to the Nigerian national team after he earned a call from the Super Eagles coach Salisu Yusuf on Wednesday. The ... Full story

Zidane Hopeful On Ronaldo

Zinedine Zidane is hopeful both Cristiano Ronaldo and Karim Benzema will be fit for Real Madrid’s Champions League semi-final second leg at home to Manchester ... Full story

Ex Eagles Keepers Hail Fantastic Enyeama

Former Nigeria goalkeepers Dosu Joseph and Joe Erico have hailed Lille shot stopper Vincent Enyeama after he was named among the top 10 goalkeepers in ... Full story

Tiwa Savage's Husband Nearly Committed Suicide In An Attempt To Jump Off Lekki-Ikoyi Bridge This Morning

Tiwa Savage's husband Tunji 'Teebillz' Balogun nearly killed himself as he tried to commit suicide after revealing shocking details about his cheating wife and broken ... Full story

Amber Rose Flaunts Wicked Curves And Massive Boobs On Instagram

Smoking hot! Cigarette-chomping Amber Rose puts on a busty display as she flaunts her wicked curves in sexy Instagram shoot.  32-year-old bald-headed s*xy model, Amber Rose ... Full story

Toolz Oniru In Nasty Drama With Fans After Revealing She Is Bleaching (Photos)

Newly married Nigerian OAP, Toolz Oniru who is famed for her massive hips and backside has been viciously criticized on social media by fans over ... Full story