The pumpkin was the Satan pumpkin so for the sidebar I wrote "Ten Facts I Made-Up About The Church of Satan".
Here are ten things about the Church of Satan that I just made up. In fact, I don’t even know if there is a Church of Satan. There may be one, I don’t actually know. Here is my list.
1. Instead of a wafer or bread as a eucharist, they give out chocolate chip cookes at the church of satan.
2. Unfortunately, they don’t have milk instead of wine. That would work well, but they actually still use wine. They just use really cheap wine.
3. Instead of serving the wine in a chalice, they serve it up in a funnel.
4. They don’t have pews at the Church of Satan, they have a bunch of used bean-bag chairs that smell kind-of musty.
5. Mass only lasts a coupla minutes at the Church of Satan.
6. You would think that the high priest at the Church of Satan would wear all black, but one time at mass, I saw pastor Ralph’s underwear waistband and I swear those were white fruit of the looms.
7. Instead of collecting money at the Church of Satan, everyone takes a turn either robbing a liquor store or mugging an old lady.
8. I actually wrote a chapter in the Satanic Bible. I am not a Satanist. I lied in the interview to get the job. Then I wrote a bunch of gibberish. I figure, “Ha, I’m going to heaven for this one. No one since The Charlie Daniel’s Band has beaten the devil this badly”.
9. Unfortunately, I spent the $740.00 I earned writing that chapter on cheap whiskey and instant lotto tickets.
10. After eating a human soul most satanic priests will tell you that it tastes like chicken.
11. The Church of Satan is headquartered in Nigeria. The highest church of Satan in the US is in New Orleans, but not in the nice area. It is located in the basement of a tortilla factory. I guess the rent is cheap.
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