Apparently This Matters: Airplane seat belts

// World | Apparently This Matters: Airplane seat belts
Email to a friend Plain text Print version // Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font
Michael O'Leary, CEO of Irish airline Ryanair, poses on a model Ryanair airplane on August 23, 2012.
Michael O'Leary, CEO of Irish airline Ryanair, poses on a model Ryanair airplane on August 23, 2012.
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • CEO of Ryanair suggests adding a cheap "standing room" section on planes
  • O'Leary: "If there ever was a crash on an aircraft, God forbid, a seat belt won't save you"
  • We presume standing passengers would wedge in the back with livestock

Editor's note: Each week in "Apparently This Matters," CNN's Jarrett Bellini applies his warped sensibilities to trending topics in social media and random items of interest on the interwebs.

(CNN) -- About nine years ago I flew Ryanair from London to a town called Maastricht in the southernmost, dangly, uvula-looking part of The Netherlands. I don't remember how much my flight actually cost, but I promise you I've spent more this week alone in the candy machine at work.

Truth be told, I've completely lost all self-control. They keep stocking it with Swedish Fish, and now HR has had to warn me three times about borking in the break room.

"Bork! Bork! Bork!"

"Red light, Jarrett."

\
"Apparently This Matters" Is Jarrett Bellini's weekly (and somewhat random) look at social-media trends.

Anyway, my flight on Ryanair is relevant only in that I have firsthand experience flying with the famous low-cost European carrier whose CEO, Michael O'Leary, started trending on the Web this week after he proclaimed that seat belts on planes "don't matter."

O'Leary told the UK's Daily Telegraph newspaper that "If there ever was a crash on an aircraft, God forbid, a seat belt won't save you."

And he's probably right. When a giant metal tube going 500 mph slams into the side of a mountain, several inches of fabric and a spring-loaded metal clamp aren't going to let you simply walk away feeling like it was all just a minor inconvenience.

"Excuse me, captain. THIS isn't Denver."

But as everyone knows, saving you from a mountain crash isn't really the point of seat belts. They're primarily for turbulence, so that when you hit a patch of rough air somewhere between Erie and Pittsburgh, you don't end up face deep in row 32 with a Biscoff cookie firmly lodged in your skull.

O'Leary's argument against the importance of seat belts stems from his ultimate goal to create "standing room only" cabins for ultra-budget travelers who, we can only presume, would have to uncomfortably mingle in the back with the chickens and other livestock.

In 2003, when I flew Ryanair from London, I was definitely that ultra-budget (i.e. cheap) traveler.

At the time I was doing the whole European backpacker thing. I'd like to say I was out there trying to find myself, sucking the marrow out of life, but, really, I was too busy hitting ineffectively on Australian girls and looking at cathedrals ... and cathedrals .... and cathedrals.

Of course, money was tight, so Ryanair was a welcome resource when trying to fly over to mainland Europe from the UK. Basically, I was then exactly who O'Leary wants to target with these seats now.

To make this dream a reality, he even suggests that his airline, perhaps, remove the back 10 rows to accommodate people willing to stand for a couple hours for as little as £1.

O'Leary told the Telegraph, "If you say to passengers it's £25 for the seat and £1 for the standing cabin, I guarantee we will sell the standing cabin first."

In a lot of ways, it's like paying for the worst section in the bleachers at an undersold baseball game here in the United States. Many people don't actually care where they sit. They just want to be inside the park to drink beer, soak in the sun, and maybe heckle the opposing center fielder.

"Hey, Granderson! You wear rubber pants!"

"Dude, what does that even mean?"

"I have no idea."

But, really, the argument over his plan's merit is a completely pointless conversation since it's probably never going to happen. European safety laws require that passengers wear a seat belt for takeoff and landing.

O'Leary responded to these pesky regulations by calling the authorities a bunch of "plonkers."

So, for comedy alone, you gotta love this O'Leary guy! And at least he's being creative -- if not possibly reckless -- about the future of his industry.

His safety argument is that standing passengers could treat the experience just like riding public transportation on terra firma, grabbing onto hanging straps when things get bumpy. He notes that, for 50 years flying has been "populated by people who think it's this wondrous sexual experience; that it's like James Bond and wonderful and we'll all be flying first class when really it's just a bloody bus with wings."

He's right. It is. Though, personally, I hate everything about flying in the first place, and I've never actually thought of it as a wondrous sexual experience, save for the beginning of every flight, during that singular breathtaking moment in the Delta safety video when their sultry flight attendant softly wags her finger and playfully reminds me that I'm not allowed to smoke.

Oh, you know what I'm talking about.

Bork! Bork! Bork!

0
Comments »
  • Print
  • Email
  • More sharing
Tagged : No tags for this article

Headlines Newsview all

Seyi Shay Blasted On Twitter For Meeting The President In A Too Revealing Outfit

The controversial female singer wore this revealing outfit to the Meet the President youth programme that held in Eko Hotel , Lagos . Off course you ... Full story

We Are Not Conductors Angry Nigerian Writes Letter To First Lady

Several days ago Nigeria’s First Lady, Dame Patience Jonathan, urged Nigerians to reject the All Progressives Congress (APC) in next month’s general elections. While addressing women ... Full story

Boko Haram Terrorists Behead Two People In New ISIS-Style Video

The victims, said to be spies, are made to confess their crimes and kneel before being decapitated with their bodies in the full view of ... Full story

President Goodluck Jonathan Interviewd By Al-Jazeera - Video

In an exclusive interview with Al Jazeera, Nigeria's President Goodluck Jonathan has pledged to defeat Boko Haram, the armed group that has killed thousands of ...

Professor Osinbajo Finally Clears The Air On Photo

Prof. Yemi Osinbajo has now taken twitter to correct the assertion that the old man in the photo above making the rounds is related to ... Full story

555 Permanent Voter Cards Of Dead Residents Found In Ogun State

At least 555 Permanent Voter Cards (PVCs) belonging to dead residents from the 21 Local Government Areas of Ogun State have been discovered by the ... Full story

Photos And Information About Mohammed Emwazi Released

Pictures of ruthless killer, Mohammed Emwazi, the ISIS executioner popularly known as Jihadi John and currently the most wanted man in the world has surfaced. ... Full story

Ghanaian Actress Nadia Buari Gives Birth To Twins, Could Jim Iyke Be The Father?

Rumours that Nadia Buari was pregnant some few months ago has turned out to be true and the Ghanaian actress has given birth to twins—that ... Full story

16yr Old Robs, Rapes 52yr Old Woman Saying Her Naked Body Turned Him On

16 year old SS1 student, Abdulateef Asamu (pictured above) has been arrested by the Ogun state Police command for robbing and raping his neighbor, a ... Full story

Ex- Militant Leaders From Niger Delta Warns Obasanjo, Buhari To Stop Instigating Nigerians Against Jonathan

Ex-militant leaders from Nigeria’s Niger Delta zone last weekend warned former President Olusegun Obasanjo and the presidential candidate of the All Progressives Congress (APC), Muhammadu ... Full story

The Heartbreaking Act A Wicked Woman Did To Her Daughter

LOOKING at the picture of two-year-old Lovelyn William will elicit tears from the heart of any human being. Naked, with her mouth tapered, hands tied ... Full story

Comment on: Apparently This Matters: Airplane seat belts

Rate this article

0

Breaking News

Super Eagles To Host Bafana Bafana In Friendly Match March 29

Bafana Bafana of South Africa have been chosen as replacement for the Black Stars of Ghana to play the Super Eagles in a friendly on ... Full story

Nadia Buari Welcomes Twins In Undisclosed Hospital

According to Myjoyonline, Ghanaian actress, Nadia Buari, has been delivered of a set f twins in an undisclosed hospital outside the West African country. According to ...

Stella Damasus Aims Big In America

Controversial Nollywood star, Stella Damasus, has made known her wish to achieve what some Nigerians may see as impossible for her to get. The actress, who ...

Pastor Oyakhilome, Estranged Wife Share Children

Last week, Nigeriafilms.com reported that the divorce saga between Pastor Chris Oyakhilome of Christ Embassy and his wife, Anita was getting messier and now, reports ...

Pictures: What Celebs Wore To Genevieve Magazine Party In Lagos

Genevieve Magazine threw a party at the Polo Avenue in Lagos on February 26, 2015 to launch its newly designed website and some celebrities graced ...

Nigerian Film Corporation Has Trained 800,000 Youths of Katsina State in Film Production

GOVERNOR IBRAHIM SHEHU SHEMA COMMENDS NIGERIAN FILM CORPORATION ON FILM TRAINING AND DEVELOPMENT: PROMISES SUSTAINED PARTNERSHIP AND COLLABORATION Governor Ibrahim Shehu Shema of Katsina State has ...

THE FUNNY SIDE OF T.B. JOSHUA

Nigerian Prophet T.B. Joshua has released a video on YouTube showcasing a side of the cleric unknown to many.T.B. Joshua is regularly in the news ...

FIFA Stops Ghana, Nigeria International Friendly

World football governing body (FIFA) has cancelled the proposed international friendly duel between the Nigeria's Super Eagles and the Black Stars of Ghana this month ... Full story

Foluke Daramola’s Ex-Husband Picks Another Wife After 7 Years

Reports making the rounds indicate that the former husband of a top Nigerian actress, Foluke Daramola, Tunde Shobowale, has found love again after about seven ...

I Once Wanted Flavour All For Myself- Yemi Alade

Some people have that special person they wish to have for keeps, but sometimes, things do not go as planned. Top female artiste, Yemi Alade, made ...