Apparently This Matters: Airplane seat belts

// World | Apparently This Matters: Airplane seat belts
Email to a friend Plain text Print version // Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font
Michael O'Leary, CEO of Irish airline Ryanair, poses on a model Ryanair airplane on August 23, 2012.
Michael O'Leary, CEO of Irish airline Ryanair, poses on a model Ryanair airplane on August 23, 2012.
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • CEO of Ryanair suggests adding a cheap "standing room" section on planes
  • O'Leary: "If there ever was a crash on an aircraft, God forbid, a seat belt won't save you"
  • We presume standing passengers would wedge in the back with livestock

Editor's note: Each week in "Apparently This Matters," CNN's Jarrett Bellini applies his warped sensibilities to trending topics in social media and random items of interest on the interwebs.

(CNN) -- About nine years ago I flew Ryanair from London to a town called Maastricht in the southernmost, dangly, uvula-looking part of The Netherlands. I don't remember how much my flight actually cost, but I promise you I've spent more this week alone in the candy machine at work.

Truth be told, I've completely lost all self-control. They keep stocking it with Swedish Fish, and now HR has had to warn me three times about borking in the break room.

"Bork! Bork! Bork!"

"Red light, Jarrett."

\
"Apparently This Matters" Is Jarrett Bellini's weekly (and somewhat random) look at social-media trends.

Anyway, my flight on Ryanair is relevant only in that I have firsthand experience flying with the famous low-cost European carrier whose CEO, Michael O'Leary, started trending on the Web this week after he proclaimed that seat belts on planes "don't matter."

O'Leary told the UK's Daily Telegraph newspaper that "If there ever was a crash on an aircraft, God forbid, a seat belt won't save you."

And he's probably right. When a giant metal tube going 500 mph slams into the side of a mountain, several inches of fabric and a spring-loaded metal clamp aren't going to let you simply walk away feeling like it was all just a minor inconvenience.

"Excuse me, captain. THIS isn't Denver."

But as everyone knows, saving you from a mountain crash isn't really the point of seat belts. They're primarily for turbulence, so that when you hit a patch of rough air somewhere between Erie and Pittsburgh, you don't end up face deep in row 32 with a Biscoff cookie firmly lodged in your skull.

O'Leary's argument against the importance of seat belts stems from his ultimate goal to create "standing room only" cabins for ultra-budget travelers who, we can only presume, would have to uncomfortably mingle in the back with the chickens and other livestock.

In 2003, when I flew Ryanair from London, I was definitely that ultra-budget (i.e. cheap) traveler.

At the time I was doing the whole European backpacker thing. I'd like to say I was out there trying to find myself, sucking the marrow out of life, but, really, I was too busy hitting ineffectively on Australian girls and looking at cathedrals ... and cathedrals .... and cathedrals.

Of course, money was tight, so Ryanair was a welcome resource when trying to fly over to mainland Europe from the UK. Basically, I was then exactly who O'Leary wants to target with these seats now.

To make this dream a reality, he even suggests that his airline, perhaps, remove the back 10 rows to accommodate people willing to stand for a couple hours for as little as £1.

O'Leary told the Telegraph, "If you say to passengers it's £25 for the seat and £1 for the standing cabin, I guarantee we will sell the standing cabin first."

In a lot of ways, it's like paying for the worst section in the bleachers at an undersold baseball game here in the United States. Many people don't actually care where they sit. They just want to be inside the park to drink beer, soak in the sun, and maybe heckle the opposing center fielder.

"Hey, Granderson! You wear rubber pants!"

"Dude, what does that even mean?"

"I have no idea."

But, really, the argument over his plan's merit is a completely pointless conversation since it's probably never going to happen. European safety laws require that passengers wear a seat belt for takeoff and landing.

O'Leary responded to these pesky regulations by calling the authorities a bunch of "plonkers."

So, for comedy alone, you gotta love this O'Leary guy! And at least he's being creative -- if not possibly reckless -- about the future of his industry.

His safety argument is that standing passengers could treat the experience just like riding public transportation on terra firma, grabbing onto hanging straps when things get bumpy. He notes that, for 50 years flying has been "populated by people who think it's this wondrous sexual experience; that it's like James Bond and wonderful and we'll all be flying first class when really it's just a bloody bus with wings."

He's right. It is. Though, personally, I hate everything about flying in the first place, and I've never actually thought of it as a wondrous sexual experience, save for the beginning of every flight, during that singular breathtaking moment in the Delta safety video when their sultry flight attendant softly wags her finger and playfully reminds me that I'm not allowed to smoke.

Oh, you know what I'm talking about.

Bork! Bork! Bork!

0
Comments »
  • Print
  • Email
  • More sharing
Tagged : No tags for this article

Headlines Newsview all

Madam Fester Arodu Mother, Of Murdered Community Leader Cries For Justice

FEW weeks after a community leader, Chief Innocent Arodu, was killed by gunmen, his aged mother, Madam Fester Arodu, has cried out for justice. Arodu, who ... Full story

4 Members Of Ikorodu Bank Robbery Arrested

Four members of the robbery gang, which unleashed terror on two commercial banks in the Ipakodo, Ikorodu area of Lagos two weeks ago, have been ... Full story

Kidnap Suspect, Vincent Ibor I Collected N3.5m Reluctantly

A kidnap suspect, Vincent Ibor, said he collected reluctantly the sum of N3.5m after an abduction deal in Calabar, the capital of Cross River State. Ibor, ... Full story

Nollywood Actress Poses Nude For Sexy Pregnancy Shoot (+18)

Nollywood actress and video vixen Dior Chidera Adiele showed off her beautiful baby bump by posing completely nud in a new photo shoot. Quite bold. See ... Full story

Comedian Julius Agwu Survives Brain Surgery In America (PHOTOS)

Apparently not many knew the comedian has been sick in the last few weeks. But the good news is that Julius is now getting better ... Full story

16 Year Old Apprentice, Pours Hot Water On Colleague In Lagos

A 16-year-old seamstress apprentice, Cecilia Ukpa, has been arrested by the police for pouring hot water on her colleague over a disagreement. Ukpa and the victim, ... Full story

Ghastly Accident On A Bridge Before Benin (Graphic Images)

According to eye witnesses, this fatal accident happened on the bridge on the Benin-Lagos Bypass. It was caused by a white Mark head trailer who ... Full story

Kidnapped Wife Of Ex-Bayelsa Governor Freed

Martha Binabo, the kidnapped wife of the former acting governor of Bayelsa, Nestor Binabo, has been released. Ms. Binabo, abducted on June 29, was freed on ... Full story

Reasons For Inviting Ike Ekweremadu, Others For Questioning - Nigerian Police Force

The Nigerian Police Force has given reasons for inviting the deputy president of the senate, Ike Ekweremadu, to its headquarters for questioning. The police explained on ... Full story

IG Summons Sen. Ike Ekweremadu, Over Alleged Forgery

The Inspector General of Police, Mr. Solomon Arase, has summoned the Deputy Senate President, Sen. Ike Ekweremadu, over alleged forgery of the Senate Rules. The PDP ...

I Will Accept My Runaway Husband If He Comes Back - Ruth Uche

The odds of giving birth to twins 3 times is very slim, but Ruth Uche managed to do it. Ruth Uche's husband fled home when he ...

Comment on: Apparently This Matters: Airplane seat belts

Rate this article

0

Breaking News

Super Eagels Star, Emenike Denies Converting To Islam

Responding to viral reports that he had converted to Islam, Nigerian international football player, Emmanuel Emenike, shared the above image on social media and captioned: “I ... Full story

Fuel Scarcity Bites Harder In Nigeria

The fuel crisis situation in the country got worse through the weekend as the scarcity continued unabated in Lagos Abuja, Nasarawa and environs. This is happening ...

Yomi Black And Wife Welcome Baby Boy (Photos)

Aww it’s a season of welcoming babies in the entertainment industry. Just after Karen Igho put to bed yesterday, ace photographer Yomi Black and wife, ...

Checkout What, YQ Uses To Stimulate Himself Before Performing

Nigerian singer, YQ is currently in Barcelona, Spain where he had gone to perform after moving from Stuttgart, Germany some days back. The singer before mounting ...

Secret Behind Liz Benson's Wowing Costumes In Recent Movies

The return of Nollywood’s veteran actress, Liz Benson-Ameye has attracted a resounding attention to the make-believe industry, especially from the quarters of her comatose fan ...

My Business Is My Business, It Is Not A Family Business - Shina Peller

Popular Lagos night club owner, Shina Peller, son of world famous magician, Prof. Peller, has stated that he decided not to pursue career in magic ...

I Was Never Tied To Any Record Label - Mercy Chinwo

Majorly in Nigeria, there are two strong telecom competitors who have gained wide audience through their yearly reality shows which has always been discovering new ...

Chioma Akpotha Angrily Beat Up A Student In Enugu

Nollywood actress, Chioma Akpotha, who has been a darling in the make-belief world, has suddenly created a scene by beating up a student who offended ...

We are Brilliant in my Family…Yvonne Okoro Boasts

Recently, Ghanaian actress, Yvonne Okoro, was so elated as her younger sister, Roseline, recently graduated with a master degree in oil and gas. Roseline graduated from ...

Nigerians Need To Pray And Act Against Immorality - Okey Bakassi

To some, it may be described as the end time while to many it will be an avenue called for various prayers at all sectors ...