Apparently This Matters: Airplane seat belts

// World | Apparently This Matters: Airplane seat belts
Email to a friend Plain text Print version // Font size: Decrease font Enlarge font
Michael O'Leary, CEO of Irish airline Ryanair, poses on a model Ryanair airplane on August 23, 2012.
Michael O'Leary, CEO of Irish airline Ryanair, poses on a model Ryanair airplane on August 23, 2012.
STORY HIGHLIGHTS
  • CEO of Ryanair suggests adding a cheap "standing room" section on planes
  • O'Leary: "If there ever was a crash on an aircraft, God forbid, a seat belt won't save you"
  • We presume standing passengers would wedge in the back with livestock

Editor's note: Each week in "Apparently This Matters," CNN's Jarrett Bellini applies his warped sensibilities to trending topics in social media and random items of interest on the interwebs.

(CNN) -- About nine years ago I flew Ryanair from London to a town called Maastricht in the southernmost, dangly, uvula-looking part of The Netherlands. I don't remember how much my flight actually cost, but I promise you I've spent more this week alone in the candy machine at work.

Truth be told, I've completely lost all self-control. They keep stocking it with Swedish Fish, and now HR has had to warn me three times about borking in the break room.

"Bork! Bork! Bork!"

"Red light, Jarrett."

\
"Apparently This Matters" Is Jarrett Bellini's weekly (and somewhat random) look at social-media trends.

Anyway, my flight on Ryanair is relevant only in that I have firsthand experience flying with the famous low-cost European carrier whose CEO, Michael O'Leary, started trending on the Web this week after he proclaimed that seat belts on planes "don't matter."

O'Leary told the UK's Daily Telegraph newspaper that "If there ever was a crash on an aircraft, God forbid, a seat belt won't save you."

And he's probably right. When a giant metal tube going 500 mph slams into the side of a mountain, several inches of fabric and a spring-loaded metal clamp aren't going to let you simply walk away feeling like it was all just a minor inconvenience.

"Excuse me, captain. THIS isn't Denver."

But as everyone knows, saving you from a mountain crash isn't really the point of seat belts. They're primarily for turbulence, so that when you hit a patch of rough air somewhere between Erie and Pittsburgh, you don't end up face deep in row 32 with a Biscoff cookie firmly lodged in your skull.

O'Leary's argument against the importance of seat belts stems from his ultimate goal to create "standing room only" cabins for ultra-budget travelers who, we can only presume, would have to uncomfortably mingle in the back with the chickens and other livestock.

In 2003, when I flew Ryanair from London, I was definitely that ultra-budget (i.e. cheap) traveler.

At the time I was doing the whole European backpacker thing. I'd like to say I was out there trying to find myself, sucking the marrow out of life, but, really, I was too busy hitting ineffectively on Australian girls and looking at cathedrals ... and cathedrals .... and cathedrals.

Of course, money was tight, so Ryanair was a welcome resource when trying to fly over to mainland Europe from the UK. Basically, I was then exactly who O'Leary wants to target with these seats now.

To make this dream a reality, he even suggests that his airline, perhaps, remove the back 10 rows to accommodate people willing to stand for a couple hours for as little as £1.

O'Leary told the Telegraph, "If you say to passengers it's £25 for the seat and £1 for the standing cabin, I guarantee we will sell the standing cabin first."

In a lot of ways, it's like paying for the worst section in the bleachers at an undersold baseball game here in the United States. Many people don't actually care where they sit. They just want to be inside the park to drink beer, soak in the sun, and maybe heckle the opposing center fielder.

"Hey, Granderson! You wear rubber pants!"

"Dude, what does that even mean?"

"I have no idea."

But, really, the argument over his plan's merit is a completely pointless conversation since it's probably never going to happen. European safety laws require that passengers wear a seat belt for takeoff and landing.

O'Leary responded to these pesky regulations by calling the authorities a bunch of "plonkers."

So, for comedy alone, you gotta love this O'Leary guy! And at least he's being creative -- if not possibly reckless -- about the future of his industry.

His safety argument is that standing passengers could treat the experience just like riding public transportation on terra firma, grabbing onto hanging straps when things get bumpy. He notes that, for 50 years flying has been "populated by people who think it's this wondrous sexual experience; that it's like James Bond and wonderful and we'll all be flying first class when really it's just a bloody bus with wings."

He's right. It is. Though, personally, I hate everything about flying in the first place, and I've never actually thought of it as a wondrous sexual experience, save for the beginning of every flight, during that singular breathtaking moment in the Delta safety video when their sultry flight attendant softly wags her finger and playfully reminds me that I'm not allowed to smoke.

Oh, you know what I'm talking about.

Bork! Bork! Bork!

0
Comments »
  • Print
  • Email
  • More sharing
Tagged : No tags for this article

Headlines Newsview all

EFCC Recovers N900m From Jonathan?s Ex-Aide, Waripamowei Dudafa

The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, EFCC, has allegedly recovered N900m from Mr. Waripamowei Dudafa, a former Special Assistant on Domestic Affairs to ex-President Goodluck ... Full story

Human Rights Writers Association Of Nigeria: Release Nnamdi Kanu, FFK And Sambo Dasuki

As the nation marks its De­mocracy Day and President Mu­hammadu Buhari’s first year in office, Human Rights Writ­ers Association Of Nigeria (HURIWA) has asked the ... Full story

Army Terrorizes Innocent Ijaw Citizens: Produce Tompolo And Niger Delta Avengers

Joint Task Force (JTF) has given ultimatum to the residents of Ijaw communities to produce High Chief Government Ekpemupolo alias Tompolo. They equally insisted that militants ... Full story

Yahaya Bello: Read How Wada stole N2billion

Kogi State Governor, Yahaya Bello has accused his predecessor, Captain Idris Wada, of embezzling the N2 billion Youth Enterprise Fund obtained from the Central Bank ... Full story

Emirate Flight Makes Emergency Landing in Lagos Due To Passenger's Cocaine Ingestion

By Lawani Mikairu An Emirates flight EK 262 from Sao Paulo, Brazil to Dubai, United Arab Emirates was Saturday forced to make an emergency landing in ... Full story

I Am Under Pressure To Devalue Naira Says President Buhari

It is exactly one year since Muhammadu Buhari was sworn in as President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. Ahead of the official commemoration of ...

Soldiers Invade Kurutie

By Emma Amaize, Egufe Yafugborhi, Akpokona Omafuaire and Perez Brisbe WARRI- SOLDIERS swooped on Kurutie (Little London), another community in Gbaramatu kingdom, Warri South-West Local Government ...

REVEALED: Reasons Why Buhari Refuse To Release Details Of Stolen Asset Recovered From Corrupt Officials Says Lai Mohammed

President Muhammadu Buhari did not release details of looted asset, recovered from corrupt persons, due to “legal reasons”, an official has said. The Minister of Information, ...

Governor Mr Ayodele Fayose: After One Year: How Buhari/APC Ruined Nigeria?s Economy

Ekiti State Governor, Mr Ayodele Fayose has lamented that in just one year of the All Progressives Congress (APC) government of President Mohammadu Buhari, the ...

EFCC Harassment: Banks Suspend Cross Border Transactions On ATM Cards

By Babajide Komolafe Banks may have decided to suspend international transactions on Naira and Dollar denominated ATM cards in protest of harassment of staff by the ...

Comment on: Apparently This Matters: Airplane seat belts

Rate this article

0

Breaking News

Buhari?s One Year In Office: Check Out What Ace Comedian Said (Photo)

– Nigerians are disappointed in President Buhari’s performance after one year in office – Ace comedian Ali Baba thinks otherwise – The comedian is known to be ...

OMG: I Want To Be Lesbian Says Cossy Orjiakor

cossyControversial Nollywood actress, Cossy Orjiakor has indicated her readiness to become a lesbian for a personality. The Nollywood queen of boobs, on her Twitter handle @ ... Full story

Torres Ready For Game Of His Life Against Real Madrid

Fernando Torres is dreaming of eclipsing his Champions League triumph with Chelsea and making history for the second time in the competition by leading Atletico ...

Mourniho Determined To Gain Revenge On Chelsea

Newly appointed manager of Manchester United Jose Mourinho wants to gain revenge on former club Chelsea. Mourinho, 53, is on a mission to show the Blues ...

Iwobi Sad To Lose Jersey No 45

Arsenal youngster Alex Iwobi has admitted he is “gutted” he will no longer wear jersey No 45 in the new season. Iwobi will now wear the ...

Zidane: We Deserve To Be In The Final

Real Madrid boss Zinedine Zidane says his team deserve to be in tonight's Champions League final. Zidane expects a great game against Atletico Madrid. He said: "We've ...

Gov Wike Spotted With Players During Yobo's Testimonial Match

Governor Nyesom Wike of Rivers state was spotted with the stars and players during the much publicized testimonial match of veteran Nigerian player Joseph Yobo. See ...

Lord Of The Pitch: The Return Of ‘The Broken One’

By Abayomi Kalejaye In J. R. R. Tolkien’s epic adventure trilogy, Lord of the Rings, the ephemeral defeat of the villain, Sauron, by the hand of ...

Adekunle Gold Opens Up On How Following A Girl To Church Changed His Life

YBNL singer, Adekunle Gold, has opened up on how he switched from his Islam faith to becoming a full fletched Christian. Gold also mentioned that his ...